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Downsize Your Children

Money Tips From a Pro

By R.S. Gompertz
Wednesday, October 30, 2013

(SNN) - Lessons from the private sector can help you live your private life in a more business-like manner. Business is deliberate. Deliberate is effective. Therefore: Deliberate + Effective = Defective.

The first step toward greater personal deficiency is to look in the mirror and wipe it clean. Understand that razor-like precision can result in a close shave. Be proactive: It’s better to take a bath before the economy gives you a haircut.

Look for money pits beneath the bottom line. Question anything and anyone that tips your balance sheet. If you can’t be both lean and mean, chose one.

If your household were a business would it be above water? If not, throw off the ballast before your kitchen sinks from a lack of liquidity.

Prune underperformers from your family tree. Encourage dependents to stop.  Kids are an investment that rarely break even. The tax deduction for underage defendants barely compensates for their complete lack of depreciation. Investigate reducing your losses by selling shares in their future earnings potential.  If you have yet to offspring, consider renting kids instead of owning.

Here’s a humane way to transition from in-house children to a cost-defective outsource strategy. Explain to your exiting kids how the economy benefits when you right-size the family.  Spend your last day together teaching them life skills like flushing the toilet and emptying the dishwasher. To prepare them for the service economy, consider offering a severance package of 2 weeks allowance for every year they have been with your organization.  Finally, they’ll worry less if you share pictures of your new offshore children.

These are just a few secrets of highly defective people. In a future article, we’ll take a careful, bottom’s up look up your assets. With time and medication, you, too, can take your household beyond the tipping point.

Photo by: Katrinket flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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