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National Retail Giant Receives Excellence in Mediocrity Award

(SNN) - A national big-box store has become the newest recipient of the National Crappy Institute's 2013 Excellence in Mediocrity Award.

Wal-Marde, the discount offshoot of retail giant Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., beat out a group of surefire contenders including Radio Scrap, the Twoonie Store, and Garbage Electric (GE) to walk away with one of Canadian business’ most coveted awards.

"We're thrilled to join the growing list of companies to receive this prestigious award," gushed the company's Director of Half-Assedness, Robert Rinky-Dink as he accepted the award. "Quality workmanship and customer service are number two at Wal-Marde. We take great pains to ensure that our suppliers' manufacturing processes are in non-compliance with quality standards, such that all our products are guaranteed to fall apart within three days of purchase. This is combined with our few-questions-asked return policy, such that clients can bring any item back to our stores for a full refund, even if they didn't buy it from us in the first place."

The company was honoured in the annual ceremony, which took place in Toronto, Ontario on Monday. The ceremony was capped off by a formal dinner and dance, followed by celebrity entertainment featuring none other than Gus Flabb, star of the People of Wal-Mart.

Since 1984, the Canadian Awards for Excellence in Mediocrity (CAEM) have been presented annually to private, public, and not-for-profit organizations that have demonstrated below-par performance in the areas of quality and customer service. Through their lack of achievement and overall low customer satisfaction rates, these organizations have made virtually no contribution to the quality of life of Canadians.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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