(SNN) - The following was delivered to me by courier in the dark of the night with a plea to make this public. As a purveyor of truth, I am only releasing this in my role as a model citizen and a breathtakingly beautiful blond. Oh wait, that’s someone else!

SCOOP: I AM MARTHA STEWART’S TWIN!

By Dartha Stewart

I was surfing Match.com, every hour on the hour, as usual, when all of a sudden several of the men contacting me expected me to grow my own coconuts to prepare fresh Pina Colodas while knitting them a tuxedo by the weekend.

That’s when I knew it wasn’t me they were longing for. “She” was their prey!

Well, the secret is out. I have been hidden and silent till now.

Yes, I am Martha’s younger (by 1 minute) twin sister, Dartha and it is time for the world to finally know I exist before the TMZ expose'.

Flashbacks: During delivery, sis fashioned a duvet from the placenta to cover mummy. Gold-leafing our umbilical cord while nursing, she sprayed a touch of vanilla around mom’s areola. I drank mother’s milk straight from a Schmucker’s® Jelly glass.

She smirked when the doctor patted her bottom. I moaned and gave him my adult web site. I simply did not fit in.

Mother thought adoption would be best. She traded me to a cousin for a year’s supply of polish sausages.

Though separated by time and space, Martha and I led comparable lives. I too, give advice. My friends call it nagging and hate it.

We have similarities as well as differences.

She is looking for a perfect potted Poinsettia. I am looking for a sober one that isn’t rude. You see, while sis talks to plants, revealing nothing, I tell mine everything. My plants hold their ears when they see me. The plastic flowers all have silk worms with puzzled expressions. Many hanging plants (they didn’t even leave a note) were originally table sitters. They whisper, “Here comes Mudder Kevorkian.” I do not think that is funny.

I would love to visit Martha. We could nosh on her homemade sautéed tiger tail appetizers. In turn, I would reveal a hint that could save hours of spitting and cursing. See, I too, know stuff.  Just this one revelation could transform her life to include bathroom breaks.

I know she spends many hours attempting to un-stick Saran Wrap® from itself. Does she know if you put it in the fridge next to the panty hose, they both will be easy to peel off?

This tip would also give sis time to tend to the trees she uses for crafting stationary. Then she could drop me a note with ink made from squid and octopi that are staples in her home.

Oops! Hold on while I answer the door.

Oh, how nice. It’s a special delivery.

“MS. Dartha Stewart has been awarded Good Housekeeping’s ’Seal of Disgust’

Aha! This explains why people wipe their feet after they leave my home.

Well, to continue. Here is a personal wish for my twinnie:

Martha, do not envy me for receiving the one honor that is beyond your grasp. Instead, visit me. I will divulge the delights of defrosting. We may need to wear high boots and pith helmets to keep from forming a fungus while walking through my home. Then again, you can always glue-gun us the more stylish Manolo Blahniks thigh-highs for the walk-through.

Oh, one more thing. Martha, please be extremely careful as to what you ask for on a dating site.

I requested a “tall guy.” He arrived on stilts. We actually got along really well.

 I finally had to end it though, when I kept getting splinters in my thighs.

yours forever, dartha (baby sister) stewart

Jan Marshall is a  Humor Columnist, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Motivational Speaker.  Her latest book, "Dancin Shmancin with the Scars" can be purchased online.  For more information about Jan please visit her website at www.authorjanmarshall.com. The Sage is proud to feature Jan Marshall and her unique and very funny insights.

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