Medicine Hat Inundated With Sick Headgear
Among Unhealthy Hats Spotted Was Rare Toilet Bowler
Sunday, September 08, 2013
(SNN) The town of Medicine Hat, Alberta found itself under siege this week after a vast quantity of sick and dying headwear arrived in search of specialist treatment. Authorities have been struggling to contain the crisis and local hat stands are said to be collapsing under the pressure.
The hats are reported to be suffering from a variety of ailments ranging from felt blight and ruptured linings to sticky brim and ribbon itch. One new arrival, who had blown in from the Netherlands with his wife and Stetson, explained that Medicine Hat offered the prospect of a cure for his Dutch Helmet disease.
"Why else would it be called Medicine Hat?" he remarked.
However, doctors at the town's hospital have denied they are in a position to help. In a statement, a spokesman declared, "We can't put a couple of shots in them and expect them to bounce back. However, we are doing what we can to make them feel comfortable."
Elsewhere, the townsfolk are losing patience, with some residents threatening to send hats home in a box if they refuse to leave of their own accord.
"They don't belong here. They have no place here. We don't want them here. They are scum and I hate them!" shouted one angry nun.
Officials have warned that if the influx continues, settlements within a 50 mile radius may also be affected. The nearby city of Prominent Teeth, in particular, has been told to brace itself.
Photo by: Timothy J. Carroll flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...