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L.A. Cops to look into Deadly Paint

Paul Minton
Monday, September 16, 2013

(SNN) - Tragedy struck downtown Los Angeles yesterday when professional decorator, Nathan Tucker, accidently painted himself into a corner. Mr Tucker, a 54 year old middle-aged white Caucasian adult male man, was working in the bathroom of a residential property when he is understood to have become confused following use of a paint called 'Hypothermic Dazzle'. The same product has been linked to many similar incidents, but this latest occurrence is the first reported fatality.

Mr Tucker's son, Jason, who did not wish to be named, described how his father had lost his bearings as a result of the blinding whiteness of the paint and had staggered into a corner, oblivious to the danger.

"It was awful," recalled Mr Tucker, Jnr. "He carried on painting and before I knew it, he'd coated the floor and walls around him and was trapped. I tried to get to him but I just couldn't get close enough."

Emergency services arrived quickly on the scene; but after over an hour without food, drink, or a comfort break, Mr Tucker's condition had deteriorated considerably. Jim Blazer of the Los Angeles Fire Department explained that his crew had been forced to wear blindfolds and thermal mankinis in an attempt to reach the victim and titillate the local residents.

By this point, the decorator's corpse did not respond to the offer of chocolate, beer, or breakfast cereal, which marketing executives claim is a delicious meal regardless of the time of day. The body was subsequently recovered with huskies borrowed from the set of Quentin Tarantino's latest musical, 'Reservoir Dogs 2: Chill Phil', which is filming in nearby Sweden. In a statement rated as Certificate PG, Mr Tarantino said he was delighted to have been able to offer assistance and joined with the victim's son in warning others about the hazards of using the paint.

Meanwhile, LA police have announced they will be launching a comprehensive investigation into what was to blame and rejected accusations it would be a whitewash. In an unrelated incident, a Florida man was incinerated while using 'Supernova Orange' emulsion at a Miami Psychiatric Hospital. However, when asked to comment, most witnesses said they didn't want to be committed.

Photo: Some rights reserved by Gordon Joly flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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