(SNN) - On behalf of all of us at the Ottawa CRA (Canadian Revenue Agency), we would like to thank you for your lawyer’s letter of March 8th, 2013 concerning your tax repayment for the year 2007. I think I speak on behalf of the entire audit department (Names supplied on a different set of sheets), applauding your explanation of outgoings, expenses, and payments for this tax period. Elegant? We are all convinced that you have a secure future explaining “Special Business Expenses” at SNC Lavelin!
While agreeing with your logic, please allow me to lay out your explanations, and their effect on your tax request for this period:
Line 201 – Expense: HD Recording and High Speed transportation and delivery of Season 3 of ‘The Sopranos’ from your Son’s home to your current address. Required for ‘Business Research’ purposes. Of course – even when you are on ‘a long sabbatical from the day-today running of your companies, you should be afforded the opportunity to keep up with changes in your current business’ marketplace.
Line 246 – Business expenditure. The entire so-called ‘week in Switzerland’ was only questioned in the original tabling of your tax return due to the additional luggage figures involved. However, after the visit to the home of our lead Investigator of your Company’s ‘Security Specialist’, we now completely understand the requirement for the Private Jet, and the portage of 17 suitcases for such a journey. At first, we misread both the number of people on this ‘Business flight’, and their requirement of multiple wardrobe choices for this 7-day trip – of course it was during the season change, and Zurich can be so tricky to dress for in March. The Hat issue is now completely understood.
Line 462 – Business expenditure. The fault with my original negative report of this line item was purely my misunderstanding of the creative way you have with the English colloquial language. While it is true that I did laugh in the presence of your lawyer, but this is not related to your claim at all. It was simply due to the phrase ‘public bathroom’ that bought up an unrelated memory for me. Who would have thought that Intergovernmental Public Relations would have cost so much to a company of your size in the waste Disposal business? When one takes into account the number of Construction Projects your companies were involved in, and the sheer spread of civic jurisdictions from Laval to Mississauga, and their requirement for daily visits, meetings, and hospitality, it is no wonder that this line item was so long.
Now that we have these small items ironed out, please see the attached check for $381,737.46
And we hope that this now closes the file.
Your legal representatives may hear some ‘street chatter’ concerning a figure of $1.55 million
But please don’t consider this as anything more than idle press and media gossip. In closing, and on a personal note, I would like to thank you and your companies’ representatives for the kind and unexpected delivery of the white lilacs in wreath format to my families’ attention. I had no idea you knew my address!
Let’s talk again if you have any questions concerning your 2008 return.
Sincerely
Audit Department
Ottawa CRA
Steve James is an Actor, Stand up, and Comedy writer in Vancouver BC. He has just changed his address and phone number. Photo provided by Steven James.
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...