(SNN) - On behalf of all of us at the Ottawa CRA (Canadian Revenue Agency), we would like to thank you for your lawyer’s letter of March 8^th, 2013 concerning your tax repayment for the year 2007. I think I speak on behalf of the entire audit department (Names supplied on a different set of sheets), applauding your explanation of outgoings, expenses, and payments for this tax period. Elegant? We are all convinced that you have a secure future explaining “Special Business Expenses” at SNC Lavelin!

While agreeing with your logic, please allow me to lay out your explanations, and their effect on your tax request for this period:

Line 201 – Expense: HD Recording and High Speed transportation and delivery of Season 3 of ‘The Sopranos’ from your Son’s home to your current address. Required for ‘Business Research’ purposes. Of course – even when you are on ‘a long sabbatical from the day-today running of your companies, you should be afforded the opportunity to keep up with changes in your current business’ marketplace.

Line 246 – Business expenditure. The entire so-called ‘week in Switzerland’ was only questioned in the original tabling of your tax return due to the additional luggage figures involved. However, after the visit to the home of our lead Investigator of your Company’s ‘Security Specialist’, we now completely understand the requirement for the Private Jet, and the portage of 17 suitcases for such a journey. At first, we misread both the number of people on this ‘Business flight’, and their requirement of multiple wardrobe choices for this 7-day trip – of course it was during the season change, and Zurich can be so tricky to dress for in March. The Hat issue is now completely understood.

Line 462 – Business expenditure. The fault with my original negative report of this line item was purely my misunderstanding of the creative way you have with the English colloquial language. While it is true that I did laugh in the presence of your lawyer, but this is not related to your claim at all. It was simply due to the phrase ‘public bathroom’ that bought up an unrelated memory for me. Who would have thought that Intergovernmental Public Relations would have cost so much to a company of your size in the waste Disposal business? When one takes into account the number of Construction Projects your companies were involved in, and the sheer spread of civic jurisdictions from Laval to Mississauga, and their requirement for daily visits, meetings, and hospitality, it is no wonder that this line item was so long.

Now that we have these small items ironed out, please see the attached check for $381,737.46

And we hope that this now closes the file.

Your legal representatives may hear some ‘street chatter’ concerning a figure of $1.55 million

But please don’t consider this as anything more than idle press and media gossip. In closing, and on a personal note, I would like to thank you and your companies’ representatives for the kind and unexpected delivery of the white lilacs in wreath format to my families’ attention. I had no idea you knew my address!

Let’s talk again if you have any questions concerning your 2008 return.

Sincerely
Audit Department
Ottawa CRA

Steve James is an Actor, Stand up, and Comedy writer in Vancouver BC. He has just changed his address and phone number. Photo provided by Steven James.