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Road Warrior

Melodie Campbell
Saturday, October 12, 2013

(SNN) - There must be a primitive instinct that overcomes a male each time he gets behind the wheel of a car. This instinct also makes him forget that he actually got beyond the evolutionary stage of the giant African gorilla. Because every day, millions of men the world over climb into their twenty-first century chariots of steel to hear a voice from the heavens proclaim, “Gentlemen, start your engines!” At which point all lads who possess a scrap of testosterone drop into first, stamp on the gas and lay a trail of smoking rubber in a attempt to beat the other guys away from the lights. (…in order to get to their jobs first, which they all hate.)

I can remember traveling in my guy’s car down Gerrard street one day (shall we say, not the best area of town,) when a red Camaro, which was traveling about two miles an hour faster than we were, pulled up beside us and tried to pass. Whereupon, the man I promised to love and honour until death do us part – or at least until the next tax year – stepped on the gas and roared up the street doing a wheelie, in case, of course, the Camaro might just DARE to cut in front.

The driver of the red Camaro, not wishing to appear shortchanged on his giant gorilla genes, immediately dashed up alongside, and proceeded to make extremely rude hand gestures while shifting gears and controlling a skid, all at the same time.

The two cars jerked their way down Gerrard, both drivers screaming at each other through closed windows, until mine own true love slammed on the brakes, effectively blocking two lanes of traffic and the entire Jarvis Street intersection. He then got out of the car.

Now the occupants of the Camaro were the sort of people one would expect to see driving a red Camaro down Gerrard: guys with names like Carlos and Guido, whose idea of a fun Saturday night is counting the notches on their machine guns. And if I hadn’t started screaming and fainting in the manner of Fay Wray with King Kong (another gorilla) we would probably all still be there; my guy standing out in the middle of the intersection flailing his arms, ready to “teach them a lesson.”

What was he going to do? Kick their tires?

Of course, we females don’t participate in ridiculous behavior like this. We’re far too busy shopping for things we don’t need.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books about the mob. The Goddaughter’s Revenge launches Oct. 1 at Chapters, Amazon and Barnes & Noble. www.melodiecampbell.com

Photo: Some rights reserved by Spanish Flea flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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