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Fired Air Force General Can't Keep His Nuclear Arsenal

Photo: Active Nuclear Arsenal Returned Along Bumpy Road in Outdated Truck with Poor Shocks

(SNN) - Recently relieved of command for “personal misbehavior,” a top U.S. Air Force general has been told he also has to return all the nuclear missiles he took home from work.

Maj. Gen Michael Carey, who oversaw the 20th Air Force, with a total of 450 intercontinental ballistic missiles, was fired after a month-long investigation by the inspector general into his behavior on a temporary assignment. 

“It’s routine in such situations that officers turn in their work materials, including active case files, office supplies and, in this case, enough nuclear weaponry to destroy the moon,” according to an Air Force source.

A statement from the Air Force said that charges of misbehavior “are not related to operational readiness, inspection results, nor do they involve sexual misconduct.”

The statement made no mention of Carey’s personal stockpile of atomic weapons.  However, “Who wouldn’t want to display a couple of these big beauties in their rec room?” noted U.S. Navy Cmdr. James “Tiberius” Tiberius, research historian with Jane’s Fighting Ships.  “I mean, it’s not like he was sitting on the floor whackin’ ‘em with a hammer.

“He wasn’t whackin’ them with a hammer, right?  Because that’s borderline dangerous.”

The firing follows the demotion of Vice Adm. Timothy Giardina, the No. 2-ranked official in charge of the Pentagon's nuclear forces, after accusations that he passed counterfeit poker chips at a Council Bluffs, Iowa casino. 

In a game of Hold ‘em, Giardina allegedly lost nearly $1,500 in phony chips as well as two Nimitz-class nuclear-powered aircraft carriers to an orthopedic surgeon from Omaha.

Photo by Dave Jaffe - All Rights Reserved

Dave Jaffe is our newest writer fir The Sage News Network. He is the kind of satirist that mothers dream their child might become one day.  Creative, clever, witty – these are traits that kept Dave in detention for most of the eighth grade.  But as an adult these skills lead to award-winning columns and commentary, numerous magazine articles and essays, a local Emmy nomination for a television documentary, and even sketches for Bozo the Clown.  Follow Dave’s humor blog, Write Good!: The Blog, a blog that explores everything that has to do with words and, if there’s time, everything that doesn’t.


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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