
New Laws For Werewolf Owners
Sunday, October 20, 2013
(SNN) - From midnight on 2nd November, owners of werewolves in England and Wales will be legally required to carry a wolf whistle and will have to keep their animals on a leash at all times. It follows concerns about the anti-social behaviour of some exotic pets and the rising cost of supernatural defence.
Many councils have already resorted to cheaper alternatives in order to tackle rogue monsters, substituting silver bullets and wooden stakes with wet sponges and medium density fibreboard. Under the new rules, police will also be able to fine owners who fail to clean up the mess left behind by their lycanthropes. Small black bags will be available free of charge for excrement while plastic sacks can be used for any half-eaten corpses.
Susan Maddocks of the werewolf charity, Lycra, said that her organisation had agreed to dispose of any waste and although its resources would be stretched initially, she expected them to bounce back in due course. She did, however, express frustration that other dangerous pets were still exempt from the regulations.
"The Yorkshire terrier is a particularly bad-tempered creature," she told Sage News. "But because it fits conveniently into a satchel and can look cute in a bow, the government believes it poses no threat. My postman, Stumpy O'Toole, has legs which tell a different story!"
Ms Maddocks will, no doubt, be pleased to hear that officials may want to extend their powers further so that they can take action against invasive species like the Himalayan bigfoot, although a decision is yeti to be taken.
Meanwhile, environmentalists are said to be troubled at what they see as a loss of freedom for the urban monster and they are opposed to additional legislation. Vlad Goulding of the Worldwide Fund for the Undead said that the lesser fanged nosferatu was already endangered and that more than half of all zombies were having to supplement their diet with ketchup.
"They need human blood not table sauces," he protested.
Fortunately, as Halloween approaches, many of these beasts will have one last opportunity to hunt before the new law comes into force. Members of the public are being asked to sacrifice themselves in order that these badly misunderstood creatures can be preserved for future generations.
Photo by: enslavedbyfairies flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...