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Self-Service Police Program Unveiled at Conference

(SNN) - The dwindling number of law enforcement recruits in recent years has finally reached crisis level, according to the most recent statistics from the International Law Enforcement Institute. 

At this week’s conference sponsored by the Institute, a groundbreaking new program, designed to combat these declining numbers, was unveiled. Due to the critical nature of this information, the unveiling was scheduled early in the conference agenda of events, immediately following light refreshments and Mrs. Tonstill’s 4th grade class from Maple Leaf Elementary performing select scenes from “A Streetcar Named Desire”.    

In the new initiative called, “Take Care of Your Own Damn Self”, police consultants have created a set of self-service guidelines for citizens to increase public ownership of their health and safety, to ensure that law enforcement time is efficiently used, and to allow police adequate time to enjoy the free meals offered to them at various dining establishments.

The guidelines for the TCOYODS Program are as follows:

  • Citizens should not call to inform police that someone has threatened to kill them. The new recommended procedure is to wait until after they have been murdered and then contact law enforcement officials. This gives the detectives something concrete to work with.
  • If a citizen arrives home and suspects that someone has broken into the domicile, he/she should enter the premises and locate the intruder. The citizen should gather all pertinent information, such as the intruder’s driver’s license number, name, address, and whether he or she is an organ donor. The citizen should provide this information, together with the intruder’s car license number and mother’s maiden name, when calling the police. 
  • If a citizen has been stabbed in the arm or leg, he/she should determine whether that limb is critical to the quality of life. If not, it is recommended that the victim not experience further trauma by listening to Gordon Lightfoot instrumentals while on hold for the emergency operator. Instead, the person should apply duct tape and acrylic spackle to the wounded area and report this injury at the next regularly scheduled doctor visit. 
  • Note: If a main artery has been severed and the victim is a member of a Mountain Clogging Dance Team, it is strongly suggested that they dial for emergency aid slowly.
  • In the case of kidnapping, the person making the report should wait at least 120 hours to ensure that the missing individual has actually been kidnapped and is not just taking a long time in the bathroom. At 120 hours, the report should include a numerical rating of the desire to get the kidnap victim back. The rating scale is: 1)Absolutely must have back. The victim earns the rent. 2)Would like to have back, but open to trading for a puppy. 3)Not too important, unless there is someone who can be sued if the victim comes back broken. 4) Put on list to find below Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart. 
  • Citizens in dispute situations will be issued firearms and offered ‘mediation’ opportunities at designated landfill sites. 

Opponents of the program contend that this is too much responsibility to put onto citizens. Mary Goetz complained while cleaning her semi-automatic pistol, “You expect us to keep an eye on everything for you? We’ve got better things to do. I raised a family under the old rules and we did just fine.”

Proponents applaud the program with comments like that of Mickey Giordano, who noted, “This new initiative is the best, see? It allows us to be sure that we’ve looked at all evidence before the fuzz … police are alerted. It will save tax dollars and a fortune in violin cases.”

The program will go into effect in a sampling of North American municipalities next month, with an evaluation period to follow. Those who would like to comment on the program should visit the TCOYODS website and complete the 576 question survey.

Photo: Some rights reserved by Peter E. Lee flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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