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Entire World Will be Dead by Christmas

Sorry. Happy Holidays, Though!

(SNN) - Noting that cases of fatal influenza have doubled weekly since mid-October, officials at the US Department of Health and Human Services have calculated that everyone on the planet will soon be dead.

“Doubling rates are curious things,” said the spokesman. “For example, if you receive one penny today, two pennies tomorrow, and continue doubling the sum daily, within one month you’ll be richer than Bill Gates.”

This phenomenon is well known to mathematicians and those lucky enough to have bought Google stock at the initial public offering.

“It’s the same with this latest flu outbreak,” the spokesman insisted. “First one death, than two, than four -- the mathematics don’t lie: we’ll all be corpses by Christmas.

An article documenting the runaway epidemic scheduled to appear in a prestigious medical journal has been withdrawn due to the lack of time remaining for humanity.

In related news, the Mayo Clinic has confirmed the first death of a US teenager from a computer virus transmitted through an act of unsafe text.

Photo by: Colleen McMahon flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

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