(SNN) - I’m knocking this out waiting for The Rug Guy to arrive. According to Mrs. C. this is Mission One in getting things spiffed up before the Holidays.   

The Rug Guy is a generic term for whoever cleans our carpets. He drives a truck filled with massive sucking devices, tubs of chemicals and soaps, and depleted uranium pellets designed to get everything out of our carpets except wine, coffee, and soup.

We have wall-to-wall carpeting. It’s an off white shade with decorative seasonings of wine, coffee and soup.  It is made of 10% Rayon, 20% Nylon, and 70% Moron.  Our carpeting soils quicker than a day old kitty and has been known to stay pristine after a cleaning up to a week.

Your typical Rug Guy is male. Ironically, no man has ever voluntarily called a Rug Guy to have his carpet cleaned unless he heard noises underfoot and couldn’t find his dog. Transgender financier Donald Trump claimed he knew he was a woman trapped in a man’s body when he felt the urge to order carpet services.

Our last Rug Guy had a nervous breakdown. He left the business flummoxed and partially agog. The scary part is he is a decorated Marine, a warrior, a brave and fearless veteran of combat. Al Qaeda in a firefight?  Bring ‘em on. Walking point in ambush territory? Not a problem. Stubborn Mulligatawny Soup stain?  He’s hunkered down in his truck weeping into his Bissell. Last I heard he had joined the Bellowing Monks, a small religious order that worships Hardwood Flooring.  

Rule Number One

Here is the most important thing to remember. Always buy a rug that's color matches the item that is most likely to be spilled upon it.  College dorm rugs, for instance, are usually colored off-puke. Young parents opt for a poo-poo ca-ca design. My office—where I write clever stuff like this—is covered with a rug designed to absorb bitter tears of despair.

I suggested a claret-colored carpet in the living area to match my drinking habits, but my wife poo-poo ca-caed that idea. 

Carpet Backers

One critical but oft overlooked factor in carpet maintenance is proper backing. According to the Institute of Floors, Carpeting, and Dust Kitties, good backing can add years to your carpet.   

Kinds of backing include foam rubber, urethane and jute. The most popular backing of course is still the full financial support of the gun lobby.  “Jute” is a form of vegetable fiber that looks and tastes like Brussels Sprouts and is hence not meant to be consumed. It was banned as a foodstuff by the Creamed Succotash Act of 1948, as amended.  Jute can also be used to make burlap. Burlap tastes like Broccoli and will make you fart.   

The worst part of a visit by The Rug Guy is the preparation. The chemicals used are designed to dissolve any object with a valance lower than Kryptonite, so furniture must be moved before The Rug Guy gets there. This takes about a week for an average household headed by a lazy husband like myself.

Most of our furniture ended up in the garage, the kitchen, or the bathroom. The only way to get to the crapper involved a hoist and a stepladder. I should have kept my souvenir Norden Bombsight.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, The Rug Guy is here. Uh-oh. He’s driving a Ferrari Step Van. This one’s gonna cost us.

Photo by: Andy Friedl flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed