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Re-Gifting to Myself


(SNN) - Christmas morning I was awakened from my deep slumber by the blast of my combo iPod/Lawn Mower/Alarm clock playing of all things, “Silent Night”.

I sprang out of bed…well sprang is the wrong word since it is obvious my spring has sprung,

I crawled out of bed because my head was filled with so much good cheer from the night’s festivities. Eggnog has Calcium; good for the bones, you know.

I struggled to the living room to retrieve my gift  which I knew I would be getting because I had been very good, frankly against every attempt to change that condition. I really like to be bad, but there seems to be less opportunity recently.  

How Old Nick even sneaks through our Gated Senior community or down my non-existent chimney is a mystery anyway.

I opened the box gingerly and lo and behold I encountered the most exquisite peignoir set this side of Jean Harlow. The sheer down to here, primrose nightgown was trimmed with a scarlet boa.

The voices on the couch urged me to try it on. I remember when shouts from a crowd usually said, “Take it off.  Take it off. “   Now I am always hearing “ICK! Put it on for God’s sake”.

I changed into the lovely outfit and immediately felt a draft.

“Aw you shouldn’t have” I exclaimed, while internally thinking ^%*(@#  all the while exhibiting my Liberace’ smile.

So, this is what I did the minute they were out of sight.

I ran to the Goodwill bag where my criminally guilty family members had once again stuffed my wonderful, soft, faithful remnant of a bathrobe. They had tried this ploy for years thinking maybe if they bought me something nice I’d get rid of this Schmateaux; French for Rag!

The sleeves are frayed, the flowers have blown away and the sun kissed yellow has become a nasty shade of Puce. The quilting has matted in big clumps looking like Joan Crawford or Peyton Manning’s shoulder pads

Constant washings caused fading and shrinkage. I often get chapped hips.  

Sill, I love it.

Everyone has something they are attached to. Some men have old sweaters or girlfriends.

How many of you insist on wearing the same tacky shirt, chicken outfit or onesies, Mr. M? You know you do.

I’ve never been caught wearing my formerly quilted frock except by my immediate family and the dog who recently disappeared.

Let’s face it, I could keep the more attractive peignoir set but that would only create problems. Word would get out that I look spiffy and then rich, handsome men would, once again, hound me.

When I was younger and cuter it created terrible ankle problems because I had to keep kicking throngs of gorgeous guys out of my way. Thankfully it is no longer an issue. Even at my yearly checkup, the doctor insists that I not disrobe. Just yesterday one said “for goodness sakes, Miss, please keep your clothes on. I am your dentist”.

As long as there is a thread of material or a button hanging in there, so shall I.  That is what friends do.  After all, my big heart can embrace being both a friend of this robe and all of Canada, the United States, Europe, etc. plus all the ships at sea.

So Santa, you might as well stop this yearly stunt.

Stay out of Victoria’s Secret or I will be forced to actually reveal her secret which happens to concern you and Mrs. Claus’s sister.

To the rest of you; Step away from the robe!

Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book.   BUY YOUR COPY TODAY


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DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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