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New 2014 Laws Affect Salami, Moose, Sister-wives, Crack

Photo: "I do NOT have spindly legs!"

(SNN) - This is a critical time of year for law-abiding citizens of both Canada and the United States.  That’s because 2014’s new laws took effect on New Year’s Day—January 1st in the US, the last day of harvest in Canada.

I am nothing if not law abiding. I follow the letter of the law even when there’s a Tilde or an Umlaut over it.  Coincidentally, my Aunt Tilde and Uncle Umlaut were circus folk, never to be mentioned at family gatherings.

So, without further ado, or minimal ado anyway, here’s a Baker’s Dozen of the top new laws of 2014.

  • In the Yukon Territories, it is now illegal to insult an adult Moose about its spindly legs. However comments about its butt-ugly face are still permitted.
  • In New York State, it is illegal to resell, recycle, or reuse luncheon meat that has been used to play “Hide the Salami.” 
  • In West Virginia, roadkill may still be taken home for supper, but must be properly seasoned and served with a choice of vegetables and a house salad.
  • Due to a translation error, Canadian singer Gordon Lightfoot has been declared a “Canadian Lighthouse” instead of a “Canadian Legend.” The singer must now perform "The Wreck of the Edmund FitzGerald" for all the ships at sea until the law can be amended.
  • In Texas, Mommas may no longer let their babies grow up to be cowboys. However, they may let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks but can’t make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such.
  • In North Dakota, you may not end a sentence with a preposition.
  • In Vermont, you may not end a sentence with a proposition.
  • In Alabama, you may end a sentence with a proposition, but only if you are addressing your sister-wife.
  • The new official State Song of New Hampshire is now “Build me up, Buttercup.” It replaces “Who Threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy’s Chowder?” which has been traded to Delaware for a silly ditty to be named later.
  • In Oregon, It is now illegal to intentionally trip a horse. You may continue to tip a horse 15% for services rendered.
  • In Toronto, your stash of Crack Cocaine is legal only when stored in containers marked “From the Office of the Mayor.”
  • In Tennessee, it is illegal to dip your wick in the company inkwell, if you catch my drift, know what I mean? (wink-wink, nudge-nudge.) 
  • In Chicago, newscasters cannot report three month old stories as “breaking news” without first shouting “What in the name of Edward R. Morrow has happened to proper journalism?”

Photo: Some rights reserved by CaptPiper flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

John "Cork" Corcoran
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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