(SNN) - I like to pass along lessons garnered from a life of laziness and domestic incompetence. That’s me, always giving giving giving. My lawyer insists I also inform you that I’m pretty much clueless about such things, and my advice is for demonstration purposes only.

I never repair stuff at home more challenging than a bent paperclip or couch pillow that needs re-fluffing.  Too many accidents occur at home. I have incontrovertible evidence I’ve just made up that proves 100% of accidents in your home can be avoided by staying in a cheap hotel or moving to someone else’s home.  

But most homeowners will continue to live in their own home and try to save a buck by doing their own repairs. That’s just stupid.
It is especially stupid when attempting to repair anything located higher than your shoelaces. Broken window? Call a pro. Roof leak? Call a roofer. Chimney troubles? Call Dick Van Dyke.

My advice also includes a Vicinity Clause—don’t attempt to fix or maintain anything within  a one-hundred yard radius of your home. I stopped doing any outside repairs or maintenance after I almost killed a neighbor with a lawn sprinkler, not that he didn’t have it coming.

In the Tall Fescue

It happened when I was out in the Tall Fescue with my trusty power mower. Distracted by the sun glinting off my Margarita Glass, I rolled over and decapitated a lawn sprinkler head. The mower blade caught it like a perfectly struck two iron and off it went into the next yard.

The sprinkler head hooked left at the last second, barely missing my neighbor’s skull.  Furious, he screamed, “If that hadn’t hooked left it would have killed me! What are you gonna do about it?

“Move my hands back and try a draw next time.”

In my defense, the sprinkler head was defective and the neighbor is an asshat.

The other incident involved another neighbor we’ll call “Harry” (His name has been changed because he’s an idiot.) Harry was seriously injured cleaning out his gutters.

He was hurt getting down from his roof when—as they say in gymnastics and porn—he “failed to nail the dismount.”

Instead, Harry over-rotated and let his face break the fall. He suffered what they call a “Half Humpty”—his left cheekbone and eye socket resembled the shattered eggshell pattern similar to Mr. Dumpty’s accident. Now Harry looks like a Salvador Dali painting, can only smell with his feet and needs a nurse to pre-chew his food. 

Moral of the story? Don’t try to clean your gutters, Dumbass.

Three Roofing Tips

1. Roofers charge more when it’s raining. Move to a drier climate.
2. Hire professionals. This supports the roofing industry as well as the legal profession, which profits from the many lawsuits home construction brings their way.
3. If anyone asks what you paid for your new roof, lie. Nothing ruins the pleasure of watching your mildewed walls dry out than hearing a neighbor say he had it done  cheaper, better and faster.

I recently had to summon a refrigerator repairman when our elderly fridge developed climatological zones. One area resembled a Sitz Bath. In other places, you could hang meat. These hot ‘n’ cold zones kept switching places.  Some days my milk was white slush, and on others it resembled something the cat yakked up.

All You Need to Know about Refrigerators

One: Repairmen who squat in your house aren’t legally required to have half their ass hanging out; it’s a fashion choice.
Two: Frozen milk and a shot of Jaegermeister is a nice morning pick-me-up. 
Three: The new, replacement fridges not only keep your milk perfectly cold, but make ice, defrosts beets and do your taxes.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, the dishwasher repairman will be here any half-day now. I’m going to ask him why I have to wash all my dishes by hand before I can put them in the dishwasher.  

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