Dear Senator Al Franken:

As I mentioned in all my previous letters, we here at the Union of Comedy Actors and Writers have worked tirelessly, for decades, to elect someone to Congress to advance our agenda. And in that effort, we poured millions of jokes, made at your opponent’s expense, into your campaign in Minnesota. And it worked! You came from behind to win by 331 votes. So again, we insist that you show your appreciation by sponsoring the following legislation:

• First, the youth today just doesn’t have the advantages that you and I had, in our day. We couldn’t help growing up to be losers, weirdoes and perverts.  But how is this country going to stay on top in the world of comedy, when our families aren’t full of lunatics anymore, when the schools stop bullies from harassing our kids and when wives and mother-in-laws refuse to let us make fun of them on stage anymore. Hell, hundreds of us even tried forcing our kids to convert to Judaism, and that didn’t do squat, either. So, please, introduce tax incentives to encourage dysfunctional families and relationships, so we can end this unfolding catastrophe, before it’s too late.
• Second, over the last twenty years, a mountain of evidence has piled up, showing that laughter is the best medicine. And yet, despite all my efforts, the states still refuse to license our members as humor practitioners. And in fact, the last time I applied in the state of Illinois, I got a letter back, signed by thirty people, saying that I had no idea how much their whole department needed a great laugh. But this is not a laughing matter, and so it’s essential that you slip an amendment into any upcoming health care legislation, to end this outrage.
• Third, everyone knows that a great one-liner, on the late night TV talk shows or on Saturday Night Live, can torpedo the ambitions of presidential candidates and the careers of Congressmen. And yet, the Defense Department continues to waste trillions of taxpayer dollars on wars, when all they need is a handful of highly trained, character assassins to turn our nation’s enemies into laughing stocks. Hell, I’ve even volunteered to train and lead such a team myself, but no one in the Pentagon will even take my calls any more. So I would appreciate it if you’d introduce some sort of bill to intervene on our behalves.
• Of course, fourth and fifth, we need legislation to make stealing jokes a felony and to make heckling a hate crime.
• And finally, I’d like to say a word about this nation’s most scandalous tragedy. I’m talking about comics who were once the pride of a nation and who once made truckloads of money, but over the years, lost it. We owe so much to these people and the least we can do is pass my Comics Rehabilitation Act.

The only thing these poor unfortunate people need is a helping hand, like to reverse the therapy their wives made them go through, so they can go back to being the old, fouled-mouthed, misogynistic selves they used to be - so that they can be productive citizens once again.

Now, Senator, this letter is your last warning. If you do not introduce the above legislation, immediately, we will have no other choice but to turn you into a joke in the upcoming election.

Have a nice day,

Ed Toolis
President of the UCAW

Photo: Some rights reserved by ericadamaustin flickr photostream, The Sage northis article endorsed, Original image can be found here.