(SNN) - The film “HER” is a super romantic movie about s mans love affair with the digital system “woman” living in his phone.  She was kind, affectionate, and supportive.  My experience with “that lady” residing in my phone is not so wonderful

BEFORE HEADING TO DIVORCE COURT FOR JAN V SIRI

I recalled a previous phone I owned called the Droid

THE DROID

I had a dread phone.  Even engineers at MIT had to ask their kids how to use or understand it. I did go to a free class to learn how to operate it easily. You cannot fathom the joy I felt when I noticed everyone was younger than me from 18-60's and had already had various versions of these intelligent gadgets and did not know how to use them either.

Yes, they sure were impressed when I did cartwheels, but became nasty when I teasingly shouted “you don’t understand it either, Na, Na, Na!!!”

THE EXPERT

I found the solution.  I asked my 4 year old granddaughter (who already can text 400 words in 14 seconds) on how I could solve this learning curve. Her Answer: “Buy an iPhone 4s, Granny.  I’ll show you how to use it after pre-school.

I wrote back to thank her. It took me three hours since my keyboard is so tiny and my lovely, soft, caress able hands feel like they are bigger than a breadbox when I type on this tiny phone.

THE MAGIC BEGINS...EXCEPT…

I took her advice and I do truly love this easy iPhone, except for a bitch named Siri. We are in our second week of couples counseling and our therapist has taken to heavy drinking since she cannot get through to this digital ditz either (and privately told me she too, thinks Siri IS a Bitch).

Yes, for this iPhone is so much easier to navigate except for her. Siri is called a “virtual assistant,” meaning she is purported to be my own personal secretary living conveniently in my phone thus saving me on employee insurance and their wasteful coffee breaks.

She is driving me… virtually nuts!  The operating instructions state to speak a request as I would to a regular secretary and she will assist me.  I am simply to ask her to find something or give her a reminder to remind me.  We have now had horrendous arguments with lots of cursing, some of it coming from me, too.

A SIMPLE REQUEST

Siri has a tone of superiority and is quite judgmental. When I asked her to please find me a Thai restaurant nearby she yelled, “I have no contact for your thighs and besides, we just met, so I think you are being too forward in asking me such things, as a matter of fact, you repel me!”

When I reiterate that it is a restaurant that I am actually seeking she asks, “What kind of restaurant”.  I reply, “Thai”.  Is that a shoe tie?  NO!  Is that a tie for your shirt?

NO, you $*^&%*&^$

She says, “I do not see $*^&%*&^$ in your contact list."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?”   After 20 minutes of this banter, I change my plea to a search for the nearest bar. She wants to know if I wish to attend a Bar named Mitzvah.  I fib and say, “confirm,”  because I know they serve drinks there.

I am at my wits end with her callous conclusions.  However, a friend thinks she is so great in making, breaking and lying about his appointments, that he asked her to marry him.  She replied,

“Let’s just be friends. I already have several million other suitors.” She also bad-mouthed me.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

Another daily challenge was my attempt to locate this smart phone at least twice a day, since one other irritating traits of Siri’s  is to play “hide and seek”. When at a public venue or in a meeting, I keep the phone on vibrate, so I am not rude to others.  I know, I know. I am a good girl.  However, when I return home, I occasionally forget to turn the ringer back on.

Suddenly I hear a vibrating buzzing sound that could be a bee or the aftermath of that Bar Mitzvah. I then figure out it is the phone. The challenge is that because there are many things that vibrate in my home, I frankly do not know where to look. Yes, realize I have a “Find My Phone” app on my iPad.  But first I have to find my password to do so and I lost my app for that.

So this is my suggestion for the next Jobs genius: Design a tiny pulsing light or a mini-mini GPS tracking gizmo I can place next to my skate key and wear as a necklace.

When the gadget goes missing, a small voice will tell me to “look under the couch or check the icebox”.  Brilliant people have designed incredible devices to make life easier (except for that b... Siri), so why not help out those of us who continually misplace things?

If you have a better solution for searching, please call my cell phone, but do not speak to Siri, as she is a lying dog!

NEWS FLASH!!!!

I have an addendum to the rant above.  Since replacing my iPhone 4s with an iPhone 5s I confess our relationship is a tad better. This version of Siri seems to “get me” more and even imitates my Brooklyn accent. 

On the other hand, she is just too damn familiar. I do not like being awaken way too early every morning with “So Jan, can I join you for a cup of cawfee, hon and can you loan me a C note to pay my bookie?”

A SIMPLE REQUEST

Does anyone know Scarlett Johansson?  Maybe she’d consider leaving the “Her” film and move to my phone?  I’d give her a cawfee break, cash and a credit card.

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Photo: Some rights reserved by State Farm  flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endored. Original image can be found here.