(SNN) - When I was a young kid, I had vague dreams of becoming a doctor. This is because I considered myself an expert in the field, having watched every Marcus Welby MD episode ever televised and also having read numerous “Cherry Ames – Nurse” romance novels.

Of course, I didn’t become a doctor – I became a humour writer, which is close to the same thing, except the pay is worse. However, I do consider myself quite knowledgeable about the medical profession, because I spend a great deal of time in doctors’ offices these days. This comes from having two germ-prone kids with an aversion to attending school between the months of September and June.

Anyway, because I am somewhat of an expert in this field, I thought I’d give readers the benefit of my medical insight. (If you are a doctor or nurse, stop reading NOW.)

What to do if you’re sick:

1. If you are quite sick, take two aspirins, plenty of fluids (some say water, but Glenlivet works better) and sleep it off.
2. If you are really, REALLY sick, i.e. as in high fever, convulsing, hallucinating, vomiting sick, drive yourself to the nearest doctor’s office in heavy traffic, and sit in the waiting room for two hours. Your body might not feel better, but there is a certain satisfaction in throwing up on the doctor’s carpet as he tip-toes past you with his golf clubs.

If in fact you do get to see the doctor, be forewarned. Doctors speak a special language. Here’s a primer:

If the doctor says: “hmmm,” it means he’s not really interested in your pathetic little problem, as his investment dealer just phoned with news that the stock market is falling.

If your doctor mutters “ehhhh,” it means “go home.” But it’s tricky. It could mean “go home” as in “go home and stop bothering me.” Or it could mean “get outta here before you infect everyone else with this highly contagious disease!” So as I said, it’s tricky.

If he exclaims “Ah ha!” it means “we discussed this particularly disgusting ailment in medical school, but I never in my whole life expected to see it in real practice!”

If he yells: “Hey Ralph! Call Linda and Maria – get a load of this” it’s time to get out of there real fast and see about using the medical strategy noted above, namely Glenlivet in copious quantities. You may still feel sick after this, but at least you’ll know why.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge is available at Chapter/Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Amazon and other retailers.

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