
Russians Invent Brave New Winter Sports to Keep World Interested
Photo: Inspiration For Super Mongols Event
(SNN) - Attempting to build attendance and compensate for the fact that there is more snow in Alabama than Sochi, Russian Olympic officials are offering many new sporting attractions. These include:
- Super Mongols - Hockey players dressed as Genghis Kahn invade the Olympic Village and subjugate its inhabitants
- Short Track Derby - Watching people with big thighs skate in tight circles becomes more interesting when they are given hockey sticks and permitted to hit each other
- Figure Hockey - During penalty shots, well-padded goalies are replaced with male figure skaters wearing nothing but spandex
- Super-Size Slushie G - The world’s fastest skiers attempt to slalom through sticky and colorful wet snow
- Snowden Cross - Hackers race to leak confidential documents from countries represented in medal ceremonies
- Curlski Jump - Curling stones are launched from ski jumps with points awarded for distance, hitting journalists, and crushing dissent
- Real Life Skeleton- Dead people are sent head first down dangerous luge tracks before rigor mortis sets in
- Putin the Great - Exhausted athletes try to keep up with the shirtless Russian president as he leads a pub crawl through the Olympic village
- Colorado Half-Pipe - Snowboarders attempt amazing tricks while smoking pot
- LGBT Biathlon - Gay skiers race from gulag to gulag as Russian officials shoot at them
To keep the world focused on Sochi until the bitter end, officials also promise that the Olympic Torch will be turned into a giant vodka fountain and Pussy Riot will play the closing ceremonies.
Photo: Some rights reserved by A K Rockefeller flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...