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SAT Test Won't Beat Around the Bush

Photo: Bush Demonstrates What a Spelling Bee Might Look Like

(SNN) - The U.S. Scholastic Aptitude Test, used to test high school students for college, is dropping the 25-minute handwritten essay portion of the exam. (It will now be voluntary, for a fee)  

An SAT official said the test is time-consuming, unnecessary, “and has been costing us a small fortune in No.2 pencils.” Critics of the plan say it will now be impossible for colleges to evaluate a candidate’s writing skills.  

Defending the decision at a press conference was the SAT’s new Chairman of the Board, former U.S. President George W. Bush.

SAT Press Conference Transcript

BUSH: Howdy. Before I take y’all’s questions let me say from the heart of my bottom, I enjoy words and often use them, frequently in random order.  So no trick questions, please. There’s a saying we have in Texas.  At least I think it’s in Texas, or maybe it’s Tennessee. “Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.”  

REPORTER: Elvin Prestley, “USA Today.” Sir, who made this decision to eliminate essays?

BUSH: Thank you, Elvis.  In order for the truth to be told, the thing about the essays. Does that answer your question?

REPORTER: No sir, that was not even a declarative sentence.

BUSH: I am the Decider. As the Decider, I decide it is a declarative sentence. The Hispanic fella up front has his hand up. Just don’t ask it in Mexican.

REPORTER: Rabbi Irving Steinman, “Scholarship Daily.” Teachers have noted the decline in writing skills among American youth. Won’t your decision exacerbate this?

BUSH: Let me answer that to the best of my inability, Mr. Dazeem. First of which, if high school boys want to exacerbate, it’s not Government’s job to stop them.  It’s there clergymen or parent, whichever comes first, especially if they catch them in fragrant calypso. You, the one wearing the Ben Gay on your head.

REPORTER: It is a beret. I am Guy Garneau of the "Montreal Education Digest." By making the essay test optional for an extra fee, is this not discrimination against the poor?

BUSH: Yes. So what’s your point…? I can tell by ear listenin’ you have a French accident. But what about France who don’t even speak English? That’s why the French don’t have a word for Entrepreneur. You should fix your own boat before we sink ours.

REPORTER: Edwin Miller, CNN. What experience do you have educating youth?

BUSH: Let me quote a former President of the United States: “Is our children learning? The illiteracy level of our children are appalling.”

REPORTER: Sir, you said both those things when you were President. They’re Bushisms.  

BUSH: I didn’t say I was a smart President.  

REPORTER: Benton Portly, "Bush Library Times". To what do you owe all your wonderfulness?

BUSH: People have misunderestimated me. Like it says on those car mirrors, smaller objects may be bigger then you are. Also, I know how hard it is to put food on your family. Next question … fellow in the funny metal hat.

SOLDIER: I’m a member of the Honor Guard, sir.

BUSH: Mission accomplished. I am proud to have you serve under our military.


BUSH: Sorry, we’re out of time. I have a new kitty to take care of. I just love kitties. They is more fun than putting crazy glue in Cheney’s heart.  

Photo: Some rights reserved by Marion Doss flickr photostream, The Sage nor the article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

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