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Grim Reaper Faces Legal Challenge

Photo: Mr. Reaper at the suddenly-terminated press conference

(SNN) - A UK protest group announced its intention, this week, to take the Grim Reaper to court on the grounds of sexual discrimination. The campaigners decided to seek a legal remedy following the publication of controversial life expectancy figures in the trade magazine, Mortality Monthly. In a news conference, their solicitor, Marcus Bang of Prang, Bang & Dang, remarked that British men were likely to die, on average, three years earlier than their female counterparts.

He said, "Blatant sexism of this type has no place in a modern society. Therefore, my clients demand that death rates be brought into alignment, preferably before their wives have made the tea and vacuumed around the house." However, law experts say that even if a ruling is made in favour of the group, the life expectancy of men might yet be left unchanged. Lucas Strange, a cleaner at Maudlin College, Cambridge told Sage News that consistency could be achieved by reducing it for women instead.

As events gather pace, so too does the scrutiny of the campaign group itself. Headed by a former barber, Peter Filamentus, who is rumoured to be dyeing at the moment, Husbands Against Inequitable Research (HAIR) has grown from a fringe organisation of just a handful a decade ago to one with over 300,000 members. Despite being amongst the country's fastest growing societies, meetings are still held once a month in a small church hall, just outside the Hertfordshire town of Bushey. These sessions are extremely cramped and the smell of perspiration reportedly repels women within a two mile radius, although urban foxes are said to find it irresistible.

HAIR has other perceived inequalities in its sights, too; and it is believed to be in the process of bringing actions against over 700 names, many of whom are seeking injunctions to avoid negative publicity. However, Mr Brang warned that there would be Hell toupée if prospective defendants tried brushing actions under the carpet.

In the meantime, the Grim Reaper is described as "literally fuming" at the prospect of a hearing, though some commentators believe this is simply a movie special effect involving dry ice. Indeed, many readers will remember him as a jobbing actor in films, such as 'The Seventh Seal' (where he played himself), 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' (where he played himself), and 'A Christmas Carol' (where he played Mrs Cratchit).  Whilst he was almost universally criticised for being over-enthusiastic during the bubonic plague epidemics of the Middle Ages, the Reaper's supporters argue that he has championed the extension of life expectancies over recent centuries. They say he recognises the continuing disparity between the genders but he is already committed to closing the age gap, rendering litigation unnecessary. 

A spokesman for the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who wished to be identified only by his gang name, 'Famine', declared they were behind their "brother" a full 127% and they expected him to defend his position to the death. Despite frequent invitations from the media, the Reaper has so far declined to make a full and complete statement other than to say he is really looking forward to meeting the campaigners at the earli—

Unaltered Photo: Some Right Reserved by consciencetaxesforpeacenotwar flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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