(SNN) - What is the best way to watch soccer on television?

First, lay in a lot of beer. A lot of beer. Set your DVR to RECORD. Start drinking six hours before the match, just like the fans in the stands do. You will then pass out for the duration of the match. When you wake up, rewind and watch from the beginning. Focus on the scoreboard graphic as your DVR fast-forwards.  When and if you see the score change, stop and rewind to see the scoring play. Repeat until the match has mercifully ended. If nobody scores and the match ends up nil-nil, think of all the time you’ve saved.

How does the “Offside” Rule Work?

The Offside rule states that any official not already blowing his own horn must tootle his whistle if it appears one team (called a “side”) is in danger of scoring. The two sideline officials, (called “Mother’s Little Helpers”) will then point an adorable little hand flag in the opposite direction as a signal for fans to pop another brewski.

In basketball players are penalized and fined for flopping. What about soccer?

In Soccer, two positions, Mid-Back Flopper and Center Defense Flopsman are specialists skilled at faking injuries. When an opponent comes near them, Floppers cry “I’ve got a booboo” and fall to the ground (called “the ground”) grasping a knee and writhing in agony. The official then assesses the opponent a “Yellow Card.” Two “Yellow Cards” equals a “Bouquet” and the player is sent to bed without dinner.  Meanwhile a stretcher takes the Flopper off the field, the announcer says he “has suffered a career ending injury.” The Flopper then returns to the field (called the “pitch”) after guzzling a Gatorade and upchucking on the Queen.

Why doesn’t Canada have a team, eh?

Because tryouts take place each fall during the Spring Wheat Harvesting Season.  Also, it is really hard to kick a soccer ball in snow shoes. Canada once had a World Cup Team, which like most teams in Canada was named the Rough Riders, but they were eaten by Moose.

What time are the matches played?

As you know, this year the World Cup Soccer Matches are played in Bolivia or Brazil, in the Southern hemisphere where the seasons are reversed, and toilets spin counterclockwise, except during Lent. If a game is scheduled for the early AM, it is actually played the night before, when the weather is cooler. This also fools the British Hooligans, many of whom are still drunk from the last World Cup.

How important is the Goalie and why are they so lonely?

The Goalie (also called a “Kipper” after the delicious fish) does not practice with his team, but instead spends his off hours in department stores trying on gloves. He  wears his favorite pair during the match (called a “match”) while he taunts the opposition about their uneven cuticles.

What is the strangest rule in Soccer?

We have a tie:

Rule 7.6 (3)c. “No one named Norman is allow to play, unless your team already has two players named Osgood.”

Rules 14.1 C, as amended. “A twenty-three page written report must be filed by both coaches if the game does not end in a nil-nil tie. In the event of such a tie, the team with the tastiest post game cookies shall be declared the winner.”

What is a Vuvuzela?

When a girl reaches a certain age, she becomes a women and grows a……oops never mind, I was thinking of something else. A “Vuvuzela” is a wind instrument with a range of one, maybe one and a half notes tops, and is favored by drunken soccer fans and Kenny G.  

Why do soccer players enter the pitch holding hands with small children?

This is one of Soccer’s oldest traditions, harkening back to the very invention of the game itself. When Roberto “No Hands” Futbol was developing the sport, he told his wife that he was off to a large field to kick a ball around with some friends. His wife, Francesca said: “I’ve been slaving over a hot stove all day cooking for you, so you take Roberto Jr. with you, and don’t lose him again.”

Who determines the dimensions of the ball?

The home country traditionally dictates the size and shape of their balls. Last year, the host country, which is either Brazil or Bolivia, traded those rights to Oregon for a pair of Nikes. As a result, this year the ball is shaped like a duck.

Fans love souvenirs, what is most likely to be brought home by tourists?

Brazilian Wax Rash.

John "Cork" Corcoran. Visit Cork's websites here and here. Connect with: "John Pesky Corcoran" on Facebook and "@OldCootCork" on Twitter

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