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By: Dave Jaffe

GMO Food Labels, Warnings Needless, Claim Farmers, Food Industry, Evil Mutants.

Dave Jaffe
Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Photo: “Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro, defends GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!”

(SNN) - Baseless concerns over the safety of genetically engineered foods could lead to higher prices at grocery stores, as well as a catastrophic battle between the forces of good and evil.

A powerful grass-roots movement is fueling legislation that could soon require companies to disclose on food labels if their products contain GMOs, or Gigantic Mothra-like Organisms.

The food industry is pouring millions of dollars into lobbying efforts to defeat GMO food labeling bills. Educating a misinformed public about the benefits of genetically engineered products has become the voluntary responsibility of farmers, scientists, and those people who have gained preternatural powers through freakish accidents.

“Benefits? Do I even need to list them?” Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, told attendees at a recent joint 4-H/Atomic Energy Commission meeting. “Why bother when I can simply project my thoughts directly into your weak, homo sapien minds?”

According to Toynbee’s mind-cast, GMOs have had genetic material altered to produce a desirable trait. Examples include insect-resistant corn, nutritionally enriched grains, and half-cow, half-human hybrids that produce milk and can announce their “sell by” date.

Critics of mandatory labeling warn of increased food handling costs as growers and grocers struggle to implement radiation protocols, outfit employees with containment suits, and fortify shelves with lead shielding.

However, Vermont’s recent enactment of the nation’s first genetically modified food labeling law has been well received by local residents. Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin also welcomed the legislation provided it doesn’t hinder his state’s ongoing development of a bulletproof maple syrup.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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