
My Vacation with Widowmaker
Photo: A far more spectacular accident than Cork's
(SNN) - Had a little car boo-boo while vacationing in Maine this Summer. I’m fine, thank you. Wandering moose and shore-bound Lobstermen are fine, too. In fact, everyone’s just peachy.
But on the list of things that can spoil a vacation, a car wreck is right up there with terrorist kidnappings and Irish B&B breakfast fare.
Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Years ago, I was born in a little village called Brooklyn, N.Y., the son of poor but honest immigrants who…
Too soon?
Okay. Let’s pick it up a month ago at Boston Logan Airport’s rent-a-car counter. My wife and I had just snagged the worst rent-a-car in the contiguous 48, perhaps even the non-contiguous 48. (“Contiguous” is the word I’ve chosen to use three times today and thus make mine forever.)
How bad a car was our rent-a-car?
It was so slow; sloths sauntered across the highway flipping us off.
It made a wobble-wheeled roller skate look like a Lamborghini.
The advertised “five passenger” sedan meant two passengers in the front and three running alongside.
The trunk could only hold two dead goons or five stoolies and a Cannoli.
The transmission was four on the floor and one in the ashtray.
But the worst thing about “Widowmaker” was its South Carolina license plates. Massachusetts drivers view southern plates with the same relish a Great White Shark covets Chum. Ironically, nine out of ten Great Whites prefer their Chum without relish.
True story: A 14-foot Great White Shark was spotted ten feet off a Boston area beach the very week we were in New England. When asked why it didn’t come ashore, the shark replied, “Why risk getting hit by a Boston driver?” (Great Whites have a surprisingly dry sense of humor.)
Widowmaker managed to make it from Boston to our vacation rental in Kennebunkport, Maine. Here’s the way our annual vacations work: My wife rents a place that comfortably sleeps five and then invites 60 of her closest friends and relatives to stay with us.
The gathered funseekers spend the time reminiscing about departed relatives, eating fattening food and playing Strip Yahtzee. There was a new development this year. Almost everyone now has a social media device and arthritic thumbs flew about as they texted one other from the next chair.
One night we drove Widowmaker out to dinner with two of my wife’s friends. On the way back, one of them decided to adjust the overhead light in the passenger compartment. Good plan. It only took until dawn to kill Widowmaker’s battery.
Next day, when I rolled out of bed at the crack of noon, I was already late for lunch with one of my friends. Widowmaker, meanwhile, was as lifeless as a Lobster Tofu party. We called the rent-a-car company for an immediate jump. They said take a Prozac, they’re on it and will have a repair truck to us in two-three days, tops.
In stepped a relative of my wife. The woman is an 85-year old, feisty and generous Virginian, there with her a 67-year-old lawyer partner, also a female woman. After the Maine visit, the duo would drive to Provincetown, MA, to be wed.
I strongly support this because I believe in equality for all, no matter their age, gender or sexual preference. And because I hope to convince lawyer-wife to sue the rent-a-car company for me pro bono.
But first, off I go in the car borrowed from my wife’s relative. I can’t adjust anything in it because the controls are confusing, there was no time to learn them, and I am a congenital idiot.
I make the drive hunched over like The Elephant Man and listening to blaring static in glorious Dolby sound. Of course I get lost, and then compound matters by violating the Law of Mankind designed for my kind of man—I stop and ask for directions.
“Just cut through that alleyway next to the Dumpster,” my friendly advisor suggests before handing me a card for an orthopedic surgeon.
“War wound or born that way?” he asks.
“Just bad posture,” I reply, “Now kindly go perform an anatomically impossible act.”
Off I drive, taking the shortcut. I find the restaurant on time, despite a detour to sideswipe the aforementioned Dumpster.
This ruined my day, ruined the lunch, and ruined the symmetrical lines of the 85-year-old relative’s car.
When I returned, Widowmaker was fully charged and sneering its little grill off at me.
Lessons Learned
*If you can avoid it, don’t be old and stupid like me."
*Don’t hit Dumpsters."
*Keep a little vacation money in reserve to cover side-swiping."
(No names of relatives or friends were used to protect the innocent and because I made some of this crap up. Contiguous.)
Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by stupid.fotos flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here
More Opinion News
-
Cork and the Geez Talk Oscars
Monday, February 27, 2017
The Old Coot & the Geezer analyze what went wrong and what went right at the Academy Awards this year, review the show, and recommend who should host next year. The duo are America's most respected fuddy-duddy film ...
-
Cork and the Geez Dish on the Golden Globes
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
(SNN) The Old Coot and the Geezer, affected no doubt by the rainy weather in Southern California turn grumpy as they analyze the Golden Globes and show what they mean--mostly good food for the media. Will Hollywood ...
-
Revisiting "Two-a-Days" with One Small Difference
Thursday, October 06, 2016
(SNN) For four years of high school and one in college, I would spend a couple of weeks during the dog days of August involved in what was known as "Two-a-days." Those, as any current or former football player ...
-
Coping with the Wobblies
Sunday, September 18, 2016
(SNN) Belonging to an elite group is only fun if it was one you aspired to, like giving a hundred speeches and becoming a Distinguished Toastmaster. During that time I would get the “wobblies” almost weekly. “What’s ...
-
Experimental Turkeys & Murphy's Law
Friday, September 16, 2016
(SNN) It is a paradox of science that before any breakthrough there is often a f’ed-up earlier stage. Out of this f’ed-stage have come some turkeys – turkeys that crossed the road to find something of value on the ...
-
Adventures in Eating
Sunday, August 21, 2016
(SNN) Some food combinations reside in the collective unconscious – and then there are those that shouldn’t exist at all. That special is a lottery. Visible from my apartment is a restaurant that has been struggling ...
-
No More Miscarriage Taboo
Friday, June 24, 2016
(SNN) I got a tattoo recently to honor the life and death of my daughter. The potential of her. The possibility of her. The scarred grief of her that tore up my heart. The fact that she was not born alive did not ...
-
Since the Pulse Stopped
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Since 'the Pulse stopped,' I've been thinking a few things. (SNN) The other day 49 human beings were murdered, and 53 more were injured in an attempt to murder them, simply for being in a "Gay" nightclub called ...
-
Fall Down, Go Boom
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
(SNN) My doctor has asked me to not fall down. I’ve attempted to honor his request, but it's easier said than done. Staying upright cannot be taken for granted if, like me, you own a fused ankle, Silly Putty knee ...
-
Character Actors: Not Just In It to Win It
Friday, January 29, 2016
(SNN) The death this week of actor Abe Vigoda at 94 reminds us that there are degrees of success of Hollywood, that fame can come after thirty years of toiling in obscurity, and that a great actor is a great actor ...