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To Sleep; Perchance to, um...

Photo: For whatever ails you.

By John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.
Sunday, September 14, 2014

(SNN) - I believe the Pharmaceutical Industry stays up nights thinking up new ways to make our lives better (while making a huge profit, of course.) Other nights, they stay up thinking up ways to make our lives miserable (while making a huge profit, of course.)

Now I know why. The boys and girls in the white lab coats are up because they can’t sleep.

USA Today, a publication that believes news should be served in small pre-digested bites, devoted an astounding 338 words last week to scare the crap out of us about stress and sleep and pills and Alzheimer’s.

In a nutshell, the article strongly hints that the happy trio of stress relievers—Xanax, Ativan, and Valium—when taken over a long period of time—may lead to Alzheimer’s. 

Keep in mind the study doesn’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship. But then, scientific research never actually proves anything.  Scientific types just show evidence that indicates something probably is true, followed by a boilerplate phrase such as “this has yet to be replicated,” or “more research is necessary.” Those words mean: “Send us more research money or we’ll shoot your dog."

Look, it’s how those science nerds earn their living, okay? You have to just accept it and interpret what they really are saying. If they ever admitted “we’ve researched the hell out of this, you're damn skippy it’s true,” two things would happen. Research money would go away and so would Climate Change skeptics. 

But the Scientific Method is so staid, the only thing it claims about, say, an atomic blast is “studies to date have indicated a nuclear explosion may cause your pie-hole to look like John Boehner’s.”

Here’s what the Sleeping Scientists’ study means:

If you take a Xanax it may cause Alzheimer's, which makes you forgetful. Being forgetful means when you wake up, you can't remember what made you sleep. So now you can't sleep, you have no idea how to get to sleep, and even if you could, you can't find your damn pills anyway.

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Louise Docker flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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