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Pizza Spokesrat Shot; Police Suspect All Parents

Photo: The rat in better days, holidaying in Japan

(SNN)  - Mr. Charles E. Rodent, beloved Spokesrat for a chain of restaurants that serves good pizza to badly over-adrenalized children, was shot and seriously wounded last night while dining at one of his establishments. He is listed in critical but stable condition but is expected to squeak through.

Mr. Rodent was wounded, allegedly by a disgruntled parent of a customer.  According to police, the suspect escaped as children screamed, anxious mothers sought their offspring and fathers continued standing in the beer line.

“We’re looking for a parent or guardian, someone who is unhappy about the Chuck E. Rodent Restaurant experience, and may have snapped,” said Police Spokesman Sergeant. Nick Plague, adding “So far we’ve narrowed it down to about 11 million suspects.”  

In a related development, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association, P.E. “Nile” Implant, proclaimed at a press conference, “Guns don’t shoot rats, people shoot rats.”

Mr. Implant said freedom-loving Americans should not use this tragic occasion as an excuse to deprive small children or adult Rodent-Americans of their Constitutional Right to Bear Arms.  When informed The SAGE serves many Canadians, Mr. Implant replied, “Who gives a rat’s ass?”

A distraught Yogi Bear, an acquaintance of Mr. Rodent, said not only do humans have the right to defend themselves, but it’s time to address the Right to Arm Bears.

Late last night, someone apparently fired a round at Mr. Bear, but police say it was probably just a warning shot from someone who hates puns.

Mr. Rodent, or whatever poor shlub was wearing the mascot costume at the time, told police just before he fired at him, the suspect yelled: “Ooooh, you dirty rat!” doing “a more than decent” Edward G. Robinson impression. But as he fled, the suspect bellowed, “Jets to the Super Bowl!” Detectives believe he was probably setting up an insanity defense.

Sympathy and good wishes for Mr. Rodent continue to pour in from ordinary vermin and celebrity vermin alike.

Mickey Mouse said “Both Minnie and I were saddened to learn of Mr. Rodent’s injury. We wish him a speedy and complete recovery. A wheel of Gouda is on its way.”

Popular Muppet “Rizzo the Rat” said he was “shocked an disturbed” by the turn of events, while Ratso Rizzo from the film “Midnight Cowboy” had no comment because he is still dead.

Mighty Mouse, a retired Superhero currently playing Andy Kaufman in the one-mouse show, “Who Cut the Cheese?” texted to say he wished his friend had summoned him because if he had, “Here I’d come to save the day.”

Mr. Rodent does not have a Do Not Resuscitate statement on file, but had stated that upon his death he will donate his body to a needy cat. 

More updates on this fast breaking story as they become available.

-- John "Cork" Corcoran

“Remember: Always believe in yourself...because nobody else does, you loser!"”

Unaltered PhotoSome Rights Reserved by Cory Doctorow  flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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