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15 Things I Know to be True about US Presidents

Photo: Remember: Lynden Was LBJ, Clinton was El BJ.

  1. Abraham Lincoln never would have gone to Ford’s Theater if he hadn’t mistakenly believed “Our American Cousin” was being performed in the nude.
  2. Calvin Coolidge was so dull his nickname was Calvin Coolidge.
  3. Jack Kennedy signaled to have Marilyn Monroe brought to his White House bedroom with the coded message: “Send Soupy Sales to the Bronx and tell him to bring his pie collection.”
  4. Most of the time John Adams and John Quincy Adams weren’t sure which was which without checking their driver’s licenses. 
  5. George Washington’s breath smelled like urinal cakes.
  6. Thomas Jefferson nailed everything that was moving and painted everything that wasn’t, which led to an embarrassing incident with his second wife, Tiffany “Goldfinger” Jefferson and her paralyzed cat, “Mr. Whiskers.”
  7. Ronald Reagan was completely senile during his entire second term and used to refer to himself as “Old Buttercrotch.” 
  8. On a dare, Lyndon Baines Johnson once drank an entire tub filled with Mulligatawny Soup, belched twice, farted, and then drank another tubful of Mulligatawny soup. 
  9. Dwight D. Eisenhower was legally a Midget, and was always photographed standing on a stack of telephone books or on Mamie Eisenhower’s shoulders.
  10. Millard Fillmore’s political career didn’t take off until he changed his birth name from: “Who the Hell is Millard Fillmore?” 
  11. After he left office in disgrace, Richard Nixon’s first paid job was dancing with the Rockettes.
  12. Benjamin Harrison was ranked the third best Ocarina player in the New World before retiring due to Embouchure problems caused by sucking up to Congress.
  13. James K. Polk held up his inaugural for three hours while his staff searched for his “Mr. Bulgee” lucky underwear.
  14. Woodrow Wilson could sing the lyrics to “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” in 42 languages, Including Cherokee and Mandarin, but not English.   
  15. Before official state dinners, Ulysses S. Grant would stand on the roof of the White House feeding pigeons dressed only in his silk pajamas.  After dessert, Grant would perplex dinner guests by admitting: “How those pigeons got in my silk pajamas, I have no idea.”

Unaltered Photo courtesy of Orange County Archives flickr photostream, Some rights reserved. The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

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