
Bad Girl: Have a Confusing Christmas!
Image: The Peacock. You thought I was kidding.
Monday, December 22, 2014
(SNN) - The following story is true. And it may explain the slightly manic sense of humour I have been displaying on these pages over the past two years.
Most of my life, I have been confused about Christmas.
This is because I am the quintessential Canadian mutt. Four parts Italian, one part Irish, one part English, one part Chippewa, and the final bit was a surprise. It overlaps with the English part (wait for it.)
The Italian part is easy to explain. Every year, my Sicilian grandmother put the plastic lighted crucifixes (made in Japan) in glaring rainbow colours, on the Christmas tree. I was a bit confused by that, not only because it was gawd-awful tacky and fought with my budding interior designer. But the part in the 10 Commandments about ‘no graven images’ seemed to be at risk here.
Nevertheless, we all looked forward to the blazing orange, green and red crucifixes, unaware that it was a sort of macabre thing to do to a Christmas tree. Did I mention Halloween is my favorite holiday?
The Chippewa part was a tad more elusive. I first got a hint that there might have been First Nations blood in our family when someone asked why we put ground venison in our traditional Christmas Eve spaghetti sauce. True, we had a freezer full of deer, moose, salmon, and not much else. Later, it occurred to me that I actually hadn’t tasted beef until I was ten, when for my birthday, Dad took us to the A&W for a real treat. “This tastes weird,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “It’s made from cow,” Dad said.
Of course, if I had been more on the ball, there were other clues. But at the age of six, you don’t necessarily see things as out of the norm. That summer in Toronto, I loved day camp. They split us kids into groups named for First Nations tribes. By happy coincidence, I got placed in the Chippewa tribe. When I got home and announced this, the reaction was: “Thank God it wasn’t Mohawk.”
The camp leaders were really impressed with my almost-authentic costume. (Everyone else was wearing painted pillow cases.)
But the real confusion about Christmas and my provenance came many years later.
I spent most of my life not knowing we were part Jewish. I was about forty, when the designer shoe (a bargain on sale at David’s) finally dropped. Dad and I were eating pastrami on rye at Shopsy’s Deli one day (which we did on a regular basis, once a month – a reasonably intelligent person might have considered this the first clue) when Dad wiped a drip of mustard off his face and said:
Dad: “I haven’t heard from my cousin Moishe Goldman in a long while.”
Me: “We have a cousin named MOISHE GOLDMAN??”
Of course, if I had been thinking, all this made sense. We had lived in a Jewish neighbourhood. Our last name is Hebrew for antelope. And I was only the only kid in school who got Halvah in their Christmas stocking every year. (Damn straight. I really did. I still do.)
So I’m hoping this may explain why we have a five foot lighted Christmas peacock on our front porch this year, and a lighted Christmas palm tree in our back yard. “A Peacock in a Palm Tree” may be confusing to you folk who know the song and are expecting a partridge with pears, but to those of us who have been confused about Christmas all our lives, it is mere icing on the proverbial Kugal.
Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy them at Chapters/Indigo, Barnes&Noble, Amazon, etc. Sometimes even at the discount table at Zehrs and Walmart.)
More Opinion News
-
Cork and the Geez Talk Oscars
Monday, February 27, 2017
The Old Coot & the Geezer analyze what went wrong and what went right at the Academy Awards this year, review the show, and recommend who should host next year. The duo are America's most respected fuddy-duddy film ...
-
Cork and the Geez Dish on the Golden Globes
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
(SNN) The Old Coot and the Geezer, affected no doubt by the rainy weather in Southern California turn grumpy as they analyze the Golden Globes and show what they mean--mostly good food for the media. Will Hollywood ...
-
Revisiting "Two-a-Days" with One Small Difference
Thursday, October 06, 2016
(SNN) For four years of high school and one in college, I would spend a couple of weeks during the dog days of August involved in what was known as "Two-a-days." Those, as any current or former football player ...
-
Coping with the Wobblies
Sunday, September 18, 2016
(SNN) Belonging to an elite group is only fun if it was one you aspired to, like giving a hundred speeches and becoming a Distinguished Toastmaster. During that time I would get the “wobblies” almost weekly. “What’s ...
-
Experimental Turkeys & Murphy's Law
Friday, September 16, 2016
(SNN) It is a paradox of science that before any breakthrough there is often a f’ed-up earlier stage. Out of this f’ed-stage have come some turkeys – turkeys that crossed the road to find something of value on the ...
-
Adventures in Eating
Sunday, August 21, 2016
(SNN) Some food combinations reside in the collective unconscious – and then there are those that shouldn’t exist at all. That special is a lottery. Visible from my apartment is a restaurant that has been struggling ...
-
No More Miscarriage Taboo
Friday, June 24, 2016
(SNN) I got a tattoo recently to honor the life and death of my daughter. The potential of her. The possibility of her. The scarred grief of her that tore up my heart. The fact that she was not born alive did not ...
-
Since the Pulse Stopped
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Since 'the Pulse stopped,' I've been thinking a few things. (SNN) The other day 49 human beings were murdered, and 53 more were injured in an attempt to murder them, simply for being in a "Gay" nightclub called ...
-
Fall Down, Go Boom
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
(SNN) My doctor has asked me to not fall down. I’ve attempted to honor his request, but it's easier said than done. Staying upright cannot be taken for granted if, like me, you own a fused ankle, Silly Putty knee ...
-
Character Actors: Not Just In It to Win It
Friday, January 29, 2016
(SNN) The death this week of actor Abe Vigoda at 94 reminds us that there are degrees of success of Hollywood, that fame can come after thirty years of toiling in obscurity, and that a great actor is a great actor ...