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Grampy vs Four-Year-Old and a Spider

Photo: New Nickname for Grampy

(SNN) - Holidays are upon us. Time to remember that children are clever—especially when a malleable grandparent is involved. I know this to be true. Call me “Malleable Grampy.”

We were fortunate to have our two Grandkids—Mason, age four, and nine-month-old Tobey—plus their sleep-deprived parents stay with us over the Thanksgiving Weekend.  This early AM adventure was part of that visit.

TIMELINE: Thanksgiving Eve (All times AM)

12:05  “Sure, Grampy will get up early with either of the boys—sleep in!” I announce as I head to bed.   

4:55 Wake up. Sit in chair and watch bedroom TV with sound down.  Choices are show about tractor-trailers pulled from ditches or Infomercial  for pistol-shaped soap, hosted by imprisoned pitchman.  Nod off.

5:00 Sense another presence in chair.  

5:01 Decide to investigate. Nod off again instead.

5:03 “Grampy, I’m cold,” my chair-mate, Mason, says as Grampy nods back on.

5:04 “Why don’t you go back to bed where it’s nice and warm?” Grampy suggests. “I think we should get up and play instead,” Mason counters. “It’s too early.”  “Why?” “Because you need your sleep.” “Why?” “So you’ll grow up big and healthy. “Why?” “Why don’t you ask Grandmommy if she wants to get up?”

5:05  Grampy hears mumbled conversation from far side of bed.

5:06  “Grandmommy said you said you would get up,” Mason says.   

5:07 Silence. Has Mason left? Grampy ponders if he’s outwitted sleeping wife and four-year-old when a cry of alarm from across the room rends the early morning air.

5:08  “Grampy! Grampy! There’s a gigantic spider on your door! It’s a great big huge giant spider. Come look,” Mason says.

5:09  Grampy agrees to check it out.

5:10  Grampy nods off again.

5:13 “Grampy, Grampy! Come look. I’m scared.”

5:14  Grampy gets up, finds flashlight, determines the microscopic dot Grandson is pointing at may indeed be a spider.

5:15 “Did you know a spider has eight legs? I can count to eight. One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight. See, eight legs.  What are we gonna do with it, Grampy?”

5:16  After quick brain-wrack, Grampy has come up with two possible plans.

  1. flick spider down hallway or ...
  2. call Guinness’ Book of Records  to report smallest spider ever spotted on North American continent.

5:17 Grampy doesn’t want to be bad role model for Grandson or invite PETA Swat Team to home.  Wonders who to call? National Guard? National Geographic? Andrew Garfield?

5:18 “We should let the spider go,” either Mason or one of the voices in my head suggests.

5:19 Mason keeps spider-watch while Grampy searches for suitable spider transport device.

5:20 Grampy returns from kitchen with large saucepan and small Tupperware lid, only to learn spider is now missing. 

5:21 “Grampy, I’m hungry,” Mason says, playing unbeatable Grandkid trump card.

5:24  Grampy and Grandson are now at kitchen table. A yogurt, cereal, and raspberry concoction prepared by Grampy graces the table in front of Mason. Grampy admires handiwork while Grandson eats.

5:26  Grampy nods off.

5:28  Grandson awakens Grampy, says, “I’m sleepy.”

5:30  Everyone is back in bed. Grampy dreams of saving Grandchildren from angry spiders.

No tiny spiders were injured in the preparation of this report.

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Gwydion M Williams  flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.



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