
NASA Claims Life On Mars a 'Near Possible Certainty'
Photo: Days of Future Past?
Monday, December 22, 2014
(SNN) - Today at NASA headquarters, Washington DC, scientists were reporting that their mission to Mars was an overwhelming success in its search for evidence of extra-terrestrial life. A visibly shaken Dr. Ido Makupshtoff, spoke with deep wonder and emotion that they had found irrefutable evidence that finding life on Mars was a possibility.
Dr. Makupshtoff, speaking from a podium in the rotunda outside the labs, which were receiving the telemetry from the two “rovers” now on the Red Planet in question, was quoted as saying, “We now have strong evidence that there is water somewhere on that planet. That can clearly be seen in the lines of this rock.” The good doctor flashed a picture of a rock with lines on it on a giant screen above his head. The crowd of brave and dispassionate reporters broke into a spontaneous cheer.
The doctor went on, “As you can see from these photographs from Curiosity, one of the rovers, that the red landscape could be the left over biological materials from oxygen-based life forms who died sometime in the primordial past, leaving their blood everywhere. It may have been the result of natural forces or a conflagration similar to what the Earth is going to experience if we don’t get enough money to get greenhouse gases under control in the next few months.”
Next up to the podium was Dr. Hope Itwerx, lead scientist in charge of the second Mars rover, the Opportunity. As she showed a picture of another rock over her head, she exclaimed, “The greatest news, though, has come from the camera mounted on the Opportunity. If you will direct your attention to the picture of the rock here, then, with some technological wizardry, I will put another picture side-by-side and you can all see what we saw!” The two pictures showed that the rock had MOVED several microns to the left of the frame. “This is the momentous occasion that we had all hoped for when we spent billions on these missions instead of feeding the hungry. It is so worth it,” she effused.
One reporter asked if the rover had moved at all in the time between the two photographs. He was taken outside and beaten.
Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Kevin Dooley flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...