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50 Shades of Grey-Haired Dates

(SNN) - One would think that at my age the fact that Captain Crunch is not actually a captain wouldn’t throw me and I would learn not to be naïve. Can I believe that Ms. Muffet actually sat on a Tuffet or was it a recliner? Was the tooth fairy a gimmick perpetrated by a dentist? If so why isn’t there remuneration when folks take out their dentures each evening?

When does the truth manifest itself in the dating world?

Have I been looking for love in all the wrong places?

Up until recently I thought I knew the secret.  For those not currently in a smoochy relationship, the most popular meeting ground to find a partner seemed to be the line at any pharmacy. 

I once overheard one man saying to a woman while gazing soulfully into her shopping cart: “Gas and Heartburn Pills?  Gee Whiz, Me too!"  Burping, they interlocked their carts and frolicked to the check out.  Perhaps the solution is to find someone with a similar malady and we could be on our way.

I used to prefer Internet Dating compared to my previous pastime, which was singing “Love for Sale,” at malls, with rouged cheeks wearing my Anna Lucasta, off-the-wrinkled shoulder gown. Since I became, um, a seasoned citizen, guys want me to pay for their parking and... give them an appliance as well.

Surfing the web is cheaper.  I have met many interesting but sometimes unsuitable characters online.

My first responder was from “Schlemiels on Wheels”.  He arrived on skates.  I had to grab on to the back of his jacket as we whizzed down the boulevard for the early bird special.

BTW, what brilliant advertising man came up with that title Early bird? Worms? Bleck!

For one site, I requested a tall man. It worked out well till I finally had to end it when each evening I always ended up with splinters in my thighs.

My next computer match was a Dermatologist. He wrote that famous book, "7 Solutions for Highly Itchy People”.  On Valentine’s Day he bought me one long stem bottle of Calamine Lotion.  I scratched him off my list.

One nutty lover wanted me to call him Ida Lupino during coitus.

Another drank his wine from a “sippy cup”.  It was Rose’. I like a man who can pick a side.

Destiny intervened during my last connection and in a most unusual manner.

Having urged all seniors to practice safe sex, I myself usually wear a seat belt.  But this one time, I did not.  At the height of passion I whispered to my partner, “Are you comfortable?”  

He answered in a suddenly strange accent, 

"I make a living.”

I laughed so hard…

I fell off the bed…

Injured my back…so now… as everything always works out as it should,

I am currently dating my Chiropractor.

He is truly nice, but very manipulating.  To this very day though, he is still the only man I have ever allowed to place me in a headlock.


Image: Some Rights Reserved by Chris Zielecki flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book.   BUY YOUR COPY TODAY

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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