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15 Things I Found While Looking for My Car Keys

Photo: Why would he ask questions?

1. A note from Amelia Earhart reminding me to pick her up.

2. A Velcro closure wallet belonging to Warren Buffet. Age 7

3. One of Donald Trump’s old hairpieces.

4. My younger brother, Shep, missing since 1954.

5. A letter from P. McCartney, asking me to join his new band as a Theramin player.

6. A set of car keys to my Nash Rambler, lost twenty-five years earlier.

7. Option to buy 500 shares of Apple IPO.

8. Pocket Lint. Lots and lots of pocket lint.

9. Some of—but not all of—the Junk in my trunk.

10. Letter from Richard Nixon thanking me for my note saying his re-election chances would be better if he only knew what his Democratic opponent was thinking.

11. Ted Cruz’s Jamaican Birth Certificate.

12. Construction diagram for Kim Kardashian’s butt, including cautionary note from I. M. Pei.

13. The key to happiness. Tragically, lock remains missing since 1984.

14. Various half-used containers of hair product, including Butch Wax, Lanolin Cream, Apothecary 87, Milly’s Vanilla & Mango Beard Oil, Neatsfoot Oil, and Mr. Sassy’s Emolument for Cool Cats & Kittens.

15. A yellowed note from unrequited high school love, Annabelle “Hooters” Gizzinkowzki, saying she liked the cut of my jib, and I should meet her at the passion pit make-out center at midnight.

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by wonderferret Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can  be located here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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