Ed Toolis' News Bits
Satire Snippets Ripped From Today's Headlines
Friday, April 17, 2015
Job Applicants Rush to Fill Job Opening
(SNN) When a scientist, who was the most often quoted climate skeptic, got caught taking $1.2 million, in exchange for his opinion, from Exxon, Southern Company, the American Petroleum Institute and the Charles G Koch Charitable Trust, he had to quit. Upon his departure, tens of thousands mailed resumes to the bribers.
Retired Writers Facing Destitution
(SNN) “Unfortunately we blew all our money,” the leader of a group of aging writers said, in the lobby of a rundown Spy Novelists’ Retirement Home in Florida. “During the hay day, when we thought things would never end. But now we’re all frantically updating all our old bestselling plots.”
SNN Announces that a Swimsuit Edition Is in the Works
(SNN) When we found out that the Sports Illustrated swim-suit edition outsold all the other issues,” the editor said, “I had no choice but to place an ad on Craigslist for hot babes.”
Wisconsin Governor, Scott Walker, Ready to Take on ISIS
(SNN) “If I can take on 100,000 pro-union protesters as governor,” he said, “As president, I can do the same with the International Brotherhood of ISIS."
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More Satire News
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Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
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Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
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How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
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North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
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Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
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It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
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Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
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My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
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Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
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Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...