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UFO's: Ex-CIA Unit Debunks Existence

(SNN) A recent survey has shown that five out of four Americans have seen, touched, had non-Obamacare Approved Physicals aboard, or arrived on Earth in what is commonly referred to as a UFO,  or as it’s sometimes called a  “No, Officer I haven’t been drinking” aerial object.

Surprisingly, this includes only half of the declared GOP candidates.

However a new organization claims almost all unidentified objects can be identified, and that’s not even counting those that show up in the Lost and Found.

Here are the latest sightings the “Committee Always Debunking Stuff “(CADS) has debunked.

  • The Louisville Lights, a series of bright flashes seen around that Kentucky City and originally believed to be extraterrestrial in nature, have now been identified as college students lighting farts.

  • Kevin O’Shaunessy, upon further reflection, has withdrawn his claim he was attacked in his own bedroom by a “hideous alien beast.” He now says he forgot Thursday was his wife’s depilation, facial, and mudpack night.

  • A Millarsville, TX man now believes the bright object that followed him on a road outside of Dallas for more than 20 miles last month was not a UFO but the car’s interior light. He now remembers he was driving his wife’s Nash and not his droptop Caddy.

  • A Kansas man’s claim that he was visited by mysterious “Men in Black” in April has been dropped. In related news, local Jehovah’s Witnesses have agreed to wear nametags.

  • A Georgia teenager says he thinks what he thought were “massive twin globe-like objects” he saw hovering over a building in Atlanta last month were caused by a misdirected Billboard light advertising Kim Kardashian’s new book, “Me and my Big Booty: The Early Years.”  

  • Jimmy The Alien, who for the past 15 years claimed to be a refugee from the Pleiades star system, has withdrawn this claim; now says he’s an “Illegal Alien, not an Extraterrestrial Alien.” His Mother, Bernice the Alien, recently confirmed Jimmy was dropped on his head several times as an infant.

  • The “low flying UFO” that reportedly “stole the trash” from several receptacles belonging to an East Rutherford, NJ, man, has been identified as a garbage truck belonging to Soprano Sanitation Service. Police are now searching for the man who reported it.

  • The glowing red, fuzzy UFO spotted over the Manhattan Skyline recently has been identified as an escaped hairpiece from the Trump Collection being sent out for its annual cleaning and brushout.

  • The three “Tall Pasty-faced aliens” spotted loping across a field outside of Stetley-on-Thames, England last Monday have been identified as the Stroopley Triplets, returning home after Field Hockey Practice.  

  • That guy, said he was from Mars? He’s not. He’s from Cleveland.

CADS reminds readers to check with its website for future debunkings and the date of its next dinner-dance. The organization is no longer a CIA disinformation group, says a spokesperson.  “Otherwise, why would we have pie and soft drinks at our socials?”

Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by Hans Splinter Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.



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