(SNN) I try to avoid watching 24/7 news networks or the locals as much as possible for health reasons. My doctor said my blood pressure rises high enough to catapult a jet off an aircraft carrier during Wolf Blitzer and “Fox & Friends.” Also my torn rotator cuff came from tossing large objects at my TV.

I’m a news junkie, so where to now? The best go-to place is gone--“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” Jon left the show, apparently to emcee Wrestlemania events. (True—it was his first gig since leaving)

I’ve found a new place. It’s called Comedywire.com. Each day they link to scores of news items, admittedly most often bizarre—and invite members to write jokes about it. At last count there were 3400 members,  mostly comedians, comedy writers, humorists and wannabees. Top vote getters are listed each day. I joined and contribute most days. But be careful, it’s addictive. Here some of my recent entries.

The problem with police body cameras is…

Many police don't have bodies worth looking at.

Patrick Stewart finally loses virginity - by doing his first on-screen sex scene at 75

“Another take? We'll have to shoot it next week.”

Top 10 Animals You Would Be (And Why)

Loch Ness Monster. 'Cuz I'm famous, bitches

Write A (new) Slogan For A US State

OREGON: Visit Oregon...or whatever

'You Look Smart' And Other Almost Acceptable Catcalls

“Hi, Mom”

Emile Hirsch Pleads Guilty to Choking Film Exec, Sentenced to 15 Days

When he gets out, he'll be honored by the Actors Guild as Man of the Year

Killer cannibal reveals he cooked women in stews and pies; says it's the same as eating beef

"Pie for dessert? We may be out of pie. Let me check with Miss Wilson. Oh wait, silly me, dessert IS Miss Wilson.”

U.S. pulling Patriot missiles from Turkey

Not to be outdone, Penn & Teller now pulling a turkey out of a Patriot missile.

Arizona woman gives birth to baby girl at tire shop

Meanwhile, at City Hospital, her husband had his tires rotated.

Fossil Footprints Show Dinosaurs Enjoyed Long Walks on the Beach

...only those who posed as a Playboy centerfold.

A colony of sex offenders moved to a small town that didn't want them and started going to church

...where they were greeted warmly by Father Fondle.

Lonely, Single People Being Blamed for Snacking Frenzy

So stop snacking on lonely single people.

Experts reveal six words women hate the most - can you guess them?

“That’s what my first wife said.”

BMW owns Alphabet.com and it's not selling it to Google

Google has regrouped and decided the new company name will be "GeneralElectric.Com"

Texas Hindu Temple Sets Guinness Record For Longest Chant

No wonder it was longest, it was chanted to tune of "Free Bird."

Judge's ruling allows open carry of guns in elementary school

Honest, I wrote a joke down about this, but it was washed away by tears of despair for the human race.