
Cork's Top 15 Rules for the Next GOP Debate
Photo: These are actual photos from the debate
(SNN) As a joke I volunteered to Emcee the next GOP Political Debate. Some joke. They picked me. Then I said I would do it only if I could set up the rules, and be the sole interrogator. Amazingly, the committee went along with it.
So here they are: Cork’s Top 15 Rules for the next GOP Debate
15. Upon entering the hall, all politicians will be frisked for dangerous weapons, and yes Donald that includes your Ginger Muskrat. I want this to be a battle of wits among unarmed candidates.
14. All questions will begin: “Just where do you get off saying….”
13. In the course of your answer, if you direct a comment at a fellow candidate which includes the words “Fathead,” “Dufus” or “Bush,” that person will be granted an additional 30 seconds to respond, or in Chris Christie’s case, to inhale a Cheesecake.
12. Because of the low energy at the last debate, there will be a comedian and a band to open the show. We will begin with the comedy stylings of Gilbert Gottfried, recreating his classic “Aristocrats” routine, followed by a medley of showtunes by They Might Be Giants.
11. Unlike last time when candidates were lined up onstage according to popularity, for this debate, the lineup will be alphabetically by height.
10. Unlike the last debate, there is no losers bracket. Non-qualifiers for the top ten candidate slots will receive a hands-on demonstration of Darwin’s Law of Politics and be dumped in mid-Ocean with only a pair of water-wings and a bucket of Chum.
9. To save time, candidates will no longer be required to ask, “Mother May I” before answering.
8. All answers must be in English except for Ted Cruz who may use his native Canadian and Jeb Bush who may continue to speak gibberish.
7. Anyone who audibly slurps or fails to raise a pinkie during mid-debate Tea Break, will be forced to audit a Koch Brothers Humanity lecture.
6. Candidates need not refer to the Questioner by name. We prefer “Your Worship” or “Say you sure have lost Weight!” instead.
5. We need recent still photos for the program. No nude shots, Christie.
4. If you become stuck in mid answer, or pull an “Ooops”, you may now shout “Pass!” and go directly to the Lightning Round, Don’t forget to don your rubber boots and metal colander.
3. If the Duck comes down with the magic word, your campaign gets a $50,000,000 campaign donation, but only if you can name all the Marx Brothers, including Karl-o.
2. All candidates must wear a dark blue suit and conservative tie, except Gov. Christie who should be garbed in a puptent and tablecloth.
1. The winner of the debate will be decided by a three-judge panel on a ten-point must system. Three knockdown rule is in effect. Only the referee or an unexpected outbreak of good taste can stop the contest.
Photos: Some Rights Reserved by the incredible Donkey Hotey Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original images can also be found here, over here and also here.
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...