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Before You Hunker Down, SHOP!

Photo: Number 15. Seriously.

(SNN) During recent televised Blizzard Preparation Coverage, there has been no shortage of stories about people laying in supplies to survive the "wintry onslaught of White Stuff". And to be honest, there hasn't been such a White Stuff assault since the Oscar(r) Nominations . 

 Unfortunately, almost all TV coverage has focused on empty shelves and emptier shoppers, with little practical help for the viewing audience.  

As a Man of Science, I decided to get to the bottom of this, and I have just surveyed stores located within the path of Winter Storm Jonas to determine what items people want and need.  

This list will be equally valuable for anyone who needs to hunker down and ride out future massive, blizzardish snow-worthy events. Please, do not wait until the last second:


(Alphabetically by Number)


15. Large Salad Bowl (I’ve been told salads are healthy, especially during a shortfall of sunlight.)

14. Cat Food (Prone to shortages during blizzards, and no one wants their precious little princess mewling during inclement weather.)

13. Mashed Yeast (pretty much as expected but should have been higher up on list.)

12. Cowboy Hat (Various sizes and styles)

11. Shovel (N.B. Not the pointy kind)

10. Bread (Surprisingly, biggest shortages tend to be in the Pumpernickel family.)

9. Bread’s Greatest Hits ( Featuring “Make It with You” and “If”, a song Frank Sinatra called one of the  greatest love songs ever.)

8. Grey Poupon  (When not any old mustard will do.)

7. Framed photo of Veteran Character Actor J.K. Simmons. (Won Academy Award last year for “Whiplash”)           

6. Elevator snowshoes for height-challenged family dog. (You don’t want Fido floundering in snow drifts)

5. 32-pound bag of potatoes (For flinging at nosy neighbors, or if electricity goes out, they are delicious eaten raw)  

4. Neatsfoot Oil (to start getting your baseball mitt ready for spring ball)

3. Giant box of Macaroons (Most people purchase two or more)

2. Gum (Juicy Fruit or Beeman’s)

1. Cat (Under stressful weather conditions, many people who have laid in extra cat food then realize they do not have a cat)

Remember, these data have not been replicated, and some of the people surveyed may have started early on Pre-Hunker Alcohol Imbibement. Your mileage may vary.

Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by tomatoes and friends Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.



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