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Skittles - A Modest Proposal

Photo: Watch out for the orange ones.

(SNN) Recently, Donald Trump Jr. compared the Syrian refugee crisis to a bowl of Skittles, asking us if we would eat a handful of Skittles knowing that there are three Skittles in the bowl that might kill you.

Leaving aside the fact that both refugees and Skittles both face a good deal of scrutiny before entering our mouths and country, Trump has a point. We can vet all we want but we will still never be 100% sure that no refugee will ever commit a crime or terrorist act at any point in the future. And as we know, anything that is not 100% safe is not welcome in America

In this case, let’s forget the vetting. We need to ban all refugees forever. In fact, we should ban all immigration. This way we can be completely sure that no one dangerous will come into the US, because no one will come into the US. We don’t have to ban immigration forever, just until the world is perfect and we’re sure nothing bad will ever happen. So forever.

However, if we follow this logic, we also have to take a look at our existing population. A lot of people commit crimes in America, and they can’t all be Muslims and Mexicans. How can we be sure any given American citizen isn’t dangerous? Some of them, I’m sure, are nice people, but we can’t know everything about everyone all the time, and that’s a problem.

We could vet American citizens, but we’ve already established that vetting isn’t enough. This leaves us with one option – we must deport all American citizens immediately, and then close the borders. The US should ban all human beings from the US to protect the interests of our great nation. Our cities and towns will be safer than ever before without a single living soul on their streets. Banning all Americans from America will reduce our crime rate to zero, and terrorist attacks on US soil will be a thing of the past.

Of course, removing all people from our land creates a new set of problems. We will have to vet other countries before we allow them to take in our citizens. However, this will bring us back to square one because we will end up in foreign countries face to face with many of the potentially dangerous refugees we were trying to keep out of the US before. We will have no choice but to create a registry of all non-Americans in New America, A.K.A. The Rest of The World.

I know what you’re thinking. We’re back to our vetting problem. Well, reader, you are correct, and that’s why it’s time to unveil the, if you will, final solution to all of this. If we can’t be safe from refugees, immigrants, American citizens, or people anywhere, we’ll have to kill all people. That’s right, I am proposing a policy that would solve the refugee crisis and all issues currently facing the United States and humanity at large.

Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by Amy Flickr photostream. The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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