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Bad Girl

I AM NOT - A sexy porn gerl - and other Twitter Mishaps

It started with the Berlin Brothel. Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter. I don’t live in Berlin. I’ve never worked in a brothel. Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now. I certainly haven’t said it out loud.

Then some wag from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall. That’s it! The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.”

Let me do a cyberspace blush here. Okay, my first book is a little hot. “Hot and hilarious” as one reviewer put it. But it’s not x-rated. It’s not even R, according to my daughter. (Husband has yet to read it. We’ve hidden it well.)

Then friend Alison said: “It’s a brothel! Maybe your latest comedy, The Goddaughter, is required reading by the owners.”

But back to Berlin. I didn’t follow them back.

Somehow, that didn’t matter. The word was out.

‘Amateurvids’ announced they were following me. Good, I thought. I like nature films. Take it from me, this outfit doesn’t film bunnies in the wild. Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny.

I didn’t follow them back.

Then ‘Dick Amateur’ showed up, wanting to connect. Friend Gloria read a few of his posts and then said: “You at least deserve a Pro.”

So I didn’t follow him back.

Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me. Swingers? I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree!

I didn’t follow them back.

Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up. Now, I ask you. Do I look like a male in my profile photo? Is Melodie a male name? And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant? Is there any other kind?

Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today: “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (yes, that’s girl with an e). Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel).

You wouldn’t want me to be. No one would. For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses. Things that used to be perky now swing south. And my back hurts if I bend over to pick up a grape.

So I’m not following them back.

You can follow Melodie at and

More from Melodie Campbell
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.



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