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(SNN) - The best advice I can give about moving is: DON’T. Barring that…there is no good advice about moving.

Unfortunately, moving house is like going to the dentist. Not only is the ordeal painful, but you get to spend huge amounts of money for the privilege.

If it turns out you absolutely have to move, the best thing to do is pile all of your stuff on the front lawn, and set fire to it. Because even if you spend gargantuan amounts of money on Professional Movers, and enormous amounts of time packing everything neatly into clearly marked boxes, when you finally do get to your new location, you won’t be unable to find ANYTHING.

I know all about this. I’m still looking for a pair of matching antique mirrors that were lost on a move from Vancouver to Toronto back in ’88.

Another thing: no matter how carefully you looked over the house you’re about to move into, it won’t be the same house you purchased. The address may be the same, but between the time you signed the deal and the time you took possession, all sorts of changes will have taken place.

For instance, the dishwasher won’t work. There’s an unwritten rule that every household appliance you’ve shrewdly bargained into the offer to purchase will automatically self-destruct the moment you sign the offer.

Ditto the washer, dryer, and the toilets. It’s some sort of symbolic goodbye ritual to the last owners. Your only consolation will be that simultaneously, waaaaay back in your old neighbourhood, the people who bought your previous house will be discovering similar kamikaze activity among your old appliances.

On a final note, you can try to move kids, but it’s not recommended. Chances are they’re quite attached to the old neighbourhood and won’t be happy anywhere else. Best to leave them with a kind neighbour until the move is over. With any luck, they won’t be able to locate you after.

You can follow Melodie on or better still, buy her somewhat zany comedy novels at Chapters.

Photo: Some rights reserved by ibm4381 flicker photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.



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