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Bad Girl

Bank Robbers I Have Known . . .

(SNN) - One of the great things about managing a bank is the interesting people you meet. By this I mean, bank robbers and other villains.

One fraud artist of my acquaintance was affectionately nicknamed Father Guido Sarducci. Father Guido was indeed a priest, and one of the most personable guys I’ve ever met. Friendly, he knew everyone by name, and always had a kind word for the tellers. Half of us switched churches just so he would hear our confessions.

We adored him. When he came looking for funds to ‘renovate the parish hall,’ we were thrilled to help. Unfortunately, so were twelve other banks. The bookies were even more thrilled. When it finally became apparent that most of the funds were going to renovate the casinos in Vegas, Father Guido got the boot. I think he now preaches from the local jail.

I don’t know what it was about our particular branch, but we seemed to attract all the novice stick-up artists. As a matter of fact, I seriously considered installing a sign in the front window: “Experienced Bank Robbers ONLY.” The situation became even more complicated when the teller in question had the savvy and intelligence of a Hershey Bar.

The following is a verbatim – this is the truth – account of a conversation that took place between one of our tellers and an extremely dangerous bank robber:

Robber (waving large gun threateningly): “This is a robbery. Gimme your money.”

Barb (watching the clock for her break): “How much do you want?”

Robber (flustered): “How much do you got?”

Barb: “Well, if I run this little card through here, I can get a thousand dollars.”

Robber: “D’ya think you could run it through twice?”

Barb (bored): “I can try.”

Robber: “Thanks.”

I have a theory that my staff were in fact members of an elite corps put through special training to psych out villains. This is the only way I can explain the behaviour of Carmen, our most efficient teller, when a potential robber shoved a green withdrawal form across the counter.

“Read the back,” he said.

She did. It was the standard note. (Do they all go to the same school?):

‘This is a stick-up. I’ve got a gun. Give me all your money.’

Whereupon, Carmen turned over the withdrawal form, pointed to the bottom, and said in a totally bored voice, “You forgot to sign.”

Of course, he had to put down the gun in order to pick up the pen, and….

The best story I’ve heard in banking circles involved a seasoned bank robber in Boston. This guy was a master. He was also highly successful, with the Rolex watch, the Gucci shoes, and the loaded getaway car. A devotee of the in-and-out school of bank robbery, he would time himself to under a minute.

Unfortunately, on this particularl job, he was not the only professional on the block. Out the door with several thousand in a respectable 45 seconds, he stopped dead at the curb, staring at an empty space. His car was stolen.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books about the mob. The Goddaughter’s Revenge launches Oct. 1 at Chapters, Amazon and Barnes&Noble.

Illustration: Some rights reserved by flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

More from Melodie Campbell
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.



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