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Bad Girl

Burglars Beware! The Ultimate Booby Trap

By Melodie Campbell
Wednesday, November 27, 2013

(SNN) - Somebody tried to sell me a home security device the other day. Apparently, this device is rigged so that it would alert me when someone was breaking into the house. This amazed me, in that – if I am home – I usually know when someone is breaking into my house. Rather than announce his presence (“A Burglar, Madam”) it would seem to me a lot more useful if someone would invent something that would bop the intruder over the head.

But I don’t need fancy home security systems because there is no possible way a burglar could get past my secret weapon. It’s cheap and it’s foolproof. It’s so fiendish, I expect it will soon be outlawed at the next Geneva Convention. Let me put if this way: if the Spanish Inquisition had known about it, everyone would have confessed to everything.

To wit:

LOCATION: Madrid, 15-something-or-other, in a damp dungeon (not even a three-star)

“Stubborn, eh? Still won’t confess? Okay, Cardinal Wolsey – bring the secret weapon!”

<horrified gasps all around>

“Not the <gulp> not the…”

“Yes! <fiendish giggle> Get the little pieces of LEGO!”

<screams of unparalleled anguish and fear>

“ARGH! No, please! No! I confess!”

It works like this: You step on the itty bitty piece of Lego, whereupon it pierces your bare foot, sending searing needles of agony all the way up to your brain. This in turn causes all of your bones to suddenly melt and turn you into a pain-filled gibbering mass of jelly on the floor.

I don’t know if you have ever walked barefoot across a minefield of individual Lego bits, but believe me, General Schwartzkoff missed out on a good weapon. Marbles have a similar effect, but those little plastic Lego corners kinda put the icing on the proverbial cupcake. Methinks the Lego people have missed a terrific marketing opportunity here. In fact, right after this column is done, I’m going into business. “Killer Lego” should be on the shelves by Christmas, ready to be scattered on floors everywhere.

Actually, if you really want to keep burglars away, it’s simple. Throw a few ride-um toys on the front lawn of your home – preferable boy ones. Then everyone will know you have kids, so there couldn’t possibly be anything of value left inside…

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge has just been released and is available at Chapters and Amazon.

Photo: Some rights reserved by lucidtech flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.

 

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