Bad Girl
WHY I COULD NEVER BE A DISNEY PRINCESS
Thursday, March 30, 2017
(SNN) Bad Girl here, with a sad revelation. I would make a lousy Disney Princess. This goes back to my early childhood days, when it occurred to me that being a princess might actually suck.
“Princess? Why would I want to be a freaking princess? Doesn’t the Queen have all the power? Who cares about being pretty and wearing pink. Give me control of the charge card, thank you very much. And the castle, while you’re at it.”
Okay, so I may have a slight aversion to the helpless female trope. It frustrated the hell out of me that every damned fairytale princess was a helpless ninny. What kind of role model is that?
So it occurred to me that a few scripts could use some rewriting. Dialogue is my thing, so here goes. (With apologies to just about everybody in the entire world.)
Cinderella: “What do you mean, I have to sweep all the floors in here? Is this the dark ages or something? You’re clearly affluent, right? Hey! You! Pick up the phone and call Molly Maids.”
Sleeping Beauty: “You’ve got to be kidding. Sleep for 100 years? <hysterical laughter> I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in years, and I’ve tried everything, believe me. Melatonin, meditation, little blue pills… Listen, sister, if you think you can spell-me, BRING IT ON. Don’t bother with the mincey Prince, either.”
Snow White: “Em…thanks very much for the offer of a real Prince, but I’ll pass. I’m doing pretty well here with these seven dwarfs. In fact, Grumpy isn’t grumpy any more, and I’m thinking of renaming him Randy…”
I’ll stop there, before the hate mail starts.
Okay, so I think we all agree that I would make a lousy Disney Princess. All is not lost though. I make a damn-fine Jewish one.
More comedy about a mob princess! Just launched at Chapters, Barnes &Noble, Amazon and all the usual suspects. Book 5 in the award-winning Goddaughter series.
PHOTO: Some Rights Reserved. Image from Stefan Schubert flickr photostream. Original photo can be found here.
More Bad Girl Stories
-
Pet Peeve Number 4: Life Jackets
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) There are sporty girls. There are petite lassies. And then there are those gals for whom serious undergarments are a necessity. We’re the same gals who can’t wear button up blouses. So why did I ever think ...
-
TALES FROM NORTH OF FIFTY
Thursday, July 28, 2016
(SNN) We tried to have a dinner party a while back. Years ago, this wouldn’t have been a big thing. I love cooking. (I love eating even more, which should be obvious.) We have a decent size dining room with enough ...
-
Canada Day - Pass the Hootch
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
(SNN) July 1st is Canada Day. This is the holiday in which we celebrate the birth of Canada by getting stuck in traffic for hours and hours and throwing firecrackers ...
-
What to Eat When you Read (more wacky unsolicited advice)
Thursday, March 17, 2016
(SNN) I like to get in the mood, when I’m reading. Here’s my list of how to pair your nosh to your book: Westerns Riders of the Purple Sage. Cow country. This would suggest a certain menu. Steak, medium rare. ...
-
Brunehilde and the Shopping Trip From Hell
Friday, February 05, 2016
(SNN) By special request: Some people know me best as a humour columnist and writer of stand-up. In a previous post, I hinted to this column. Some readers asked if they could read it, so I am breaking all sorts ...
-
If the Shoe Fits
Monday, December 28, 2015
(SNN) Remember sneakers? The fashion footwear of the seventies and eighties. Good ole trusty sneakers that your mother hated. The kind you wore until they were really scruffy and had holes in the canvas. Just ...
-
Blame It On Barbie
Monday, November 23, 2015
(SNN) Here it is, the fifty-something anniversary of the birth of Barbie, and I’m uncomfortable. Coincidentally, it is also the fifty-something anniversary of me, and I’ve got to ask: is Barbie having more fun than ...
-
Renovation? Aggravation!
Monday, October 26, 2015
(SNN) I wanted to buy a new front door the other day. This has become necessary because the old front door is no longer functioning as a door in the usual sense. 'Wind Tunnel' or 'Interstate highway for neighbourhood ...
-
The Postman Always Rings for Money
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
(SNN) Not long ago, the Canadian Post Office did a stunner, and almost doubled the cost of sending a postcard across the country. Enraged citizens are now claiming that it will soon be cheaper to FLY to Saskabush, ...
-
Never Marry a Writer!
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Here’s why: Everybody knows they shouldn’t marry a writer. Mothers the world over have made that obvious: “For Gawd Sake, never marry a marauding barbarian, a sex pervert, or a writer.” (Or a politician, but that ...
-
The One That Got Away
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
(SNN) What is it about men, and the lure of “The One That Got Away?” All sportsmen seem to have a full repertoire of standard tales about “The Game They Didn’t Win” or “The Fish They Didn’t Catch.” Men will wiggle ...
-
Bad Girl: The Christmas Spirit
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
(SNN) - Skip the fancy jewelry, fur coats, and dishwashers that do everything. Let’s be realistic and talk about what we all REALLY want for Christmas…which is a parking spot at the mall. Let’s face it. Each year ...
-
My Dog thinks his name is Dammit
Saturday, September 20, 2014
(SNN) - So I wanted something tall dark and handsome, and what I got was something short, blond and furry. Actually, I was given the choice of having another kid or getting a dog – and all parents will understand ...
-
Life with a Gear-Head
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
(SNN) - I live with a gear-head. I even sleep with him. This has been going on for three decades. You‘d think I would be used to it by now. And no, I’m not talking about the ‘shifting gears and vroom vroom’ noises ...
-
MEN and GRASS: The Final Frontier
Saturday, July 26, 2014
(SNN) - What is it, about men and their grass? And I’m not talking about funny weed here. I’m talking about the green stuff that becomes the object of mower wars every year once Jack Frost leaves for Florida. Take ...
-
The Magic that is Hardware - Man's Favorite Store
Monday, June 16, 2014
(SNN) - Men hate shopping, right? Try dragging your guy to the local shopping mall. Pull one shirt off the rack and watch him moan as if being tortured by Attila the Hun’s best. There never was such an awful thing ...
-
Sushi for Two - and Pass the Matzo
Friday, May 23, 2014
(SNN) - When it comes to trying different types of food, I'm not really adventurous. I kind of like to know what I'm eating. Where it came from. What it's been doing all its life. So when Wil said he was taking ...
-
The Wacky World of Advertising
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
(SNN) - It started when I bought a new toaster. Being a good loyal citizen, (okay, a product of excruciating Catholic guilt) I glanced briefly at the instructions. It was there on the warning page: “CAUTION! DO ...
-
The Difference Between Men and Boys... is the price of their toys
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
(SNN) - Something weird happened the other day. The trend actually started soon after our last kid left home for good. My husband of 35 years came home with a remote control toy car. Not a dinkie car. Nope. This ...