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Bad Girl

Pet Peeve Number 4: Life Jackets

Mostly-True Story (yet more proof that tragedy is the root of comedy)

By Melodie Campbell
Monday, August 14, 2017

(SNN) There are sporty girls. There are petite lassies. And then there are those gals for whom serious undergarments are a necessity.

We’re the same gals who can’t wear button up blouses. So why did I ever think it would be possible to buy a life jacket?

Me, in specialty sports store in front of a wall of marina gear: “Do you have anything for women?”

Clerk (who is just out of diapers. Honestly, he can’t be more than eight.): “Yes! All our styles are unisex.”

Me (sighing): “Yeah, here’s the problem with that. I am not Unisex.”

Usually males can tell this. I’m taking this as a bad sign.

Clerk (handing me a life jacket): “Try this universal one. It’s adjustable.”

I look at it. The only things adjustable are two straps that wrap all the way around. Which means that if I were a barrel, it would fit me perfectly.

Me (shaking head): “Nope. No place for the suspendibles.”

Cherk: “Huh?”

(I flummoxed him with my command of language.)

Me, trying it on: “See?”

I do up the top strap. The thing balloons out like an isosceles triangle. No way are those bottom straps coming together. There’s a mountain range in between.

Me: “Don’t you have anything that bends in the middle?”

Clerk (scratching nonexistent beard): “Maybe just try doing up the bottom strap?”

I demonstrate. Strap rides up to my waist. Jacket rides up over my face. I could do up the top strap, but then I couldn’t talk. It might also be hard driving the boat.

Clerk: “What about cut-outs?”

Me: “You mean deface the product by cutting out two custom sinkholes to fit around the twin Rockies?”

Clerk (with far too much enthusiasm): “That’s the idea.”

Me: “Won’t that affect the buoyancy of the product?”

Clerk: “I don’t think you have a problem with buoyancy.”

Revising estimate. Kid may be older than I think.

Melodie Campbell writes seriously funny books. WORST DATE EVER comes out Sept. 5, available on Amazon, in bookstores, and all the usual suspects

More from Melodie Campbell
 
DISCLAIMER: The above article is OPINION.The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Opinion and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.

 

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