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Jan Marshall

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    32 matches found.
  • Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
    By: Jan Marshall, humour, humor, dogs, drugs
    (SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington Farthington III) had been duped.  When that slut poodle next door, she with the off shoulder pet collar, gave that phony come hither fake bark, he'd scoot through the doggie door to his siren's tease. When he...

  • It (Usually) Never Rains In California
    Photo: This too shall pass

    By: Jan Marshall, rain, drought, California, humor, humour
    (SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my makeup.  I don’t know what came over me but after some graffiti artist seeing the unwashed car wrote “dirty girl” (though I’m actually a “nasty woman”) on my car, I was glad his...

  • Is There a Doctor in the House?
    Photo: He doesn't have a ring on, Girls!

    By: Jan Marshall
    (SNN) The yearly pitch for changing insurance carriers has arrived to coax us from one company covering nothing I need (Prostate Practitioner?) to others whose plan does not include even one of my preferred doctors especially Dr.Love. Hopefully, I wont’ have to return to my own physician whose specialty is Recommendology. He doesn’t actually treat.  He calls everything a virus which is Latin for  “I don’t...

  • Why My Plants Hold Their Ears
    Photo: If you're bad in life, you'll come back as one of Jan's house plants

    By: Jan Marshall, plants
    (SNN) I heard plants are like people. They must be spoken to in a gentle manner. I took elocution lessons from Ms. Manners.  I enunciated every syllable. What did I get for my effort? Rotten roots, sagging stems and flaky foliage. My surviving plants don't look great either. I have spent a fortune on plants plus food for the plants and aspirin for me.  Too much sun, not enough sun, over watering or under watering. Whatever...

  • Jan's Weight Loss Secrets!
    Photo: Jan's foreign weight loss lab

    By: Jan Marshall
    (SNN) Since my Hollywood Weight Loss secrets have gone global (now in my favorite country - Canada), I have been credited for the new "bikini bodies" I shall share once more for those who may have missed it.  1) Tooting your own horn uses 4 calories,  2) Bending over backwards whistling Dixie in Latin while...  3) Sorting laundry expends a whopping 32,000. Good luck to you gorgeous babes! (BTW. This works for you stud worthy...

  • Valentine's Day Checklist
    Photo: Good rule: Don't make an ass of yourself

    By: Jan Marshall
    ... fall in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE” I wish you weirdness. If you happen to be single as well, love yourself and go buy yourself a gift.  Maybe you’ll meet another weirdo shopping. Humorologist Jan Marshall is a newspaper columnist and author of Satirical Survival Books.  The current one is DANCIN SCHMANCIN with the SCARS: Finding the HUMOR No Matter What!   HAVE FUN! Jan Marshall

  • Knock On Wood, As Long As You Are Healthy!
    By: Jan Marshall
    (SNN) It was said that the safest place to be is in bed since the only accident there would result in a soft cuddly being that would take care of us in our senior years. It seems to be less of a threat recently so try not to worry.  The common wisdom is to keep active for a healthy life.  Out of the bedroom there are so many hazards with sports and exercising that one must keep a doctor on speed dial or attached to your iPad. ...

  • Romance in Jeopardy
    Thanks, Trump

    (SNN) Jan Marshall is asking. Does he have no decency?  Trump said he'd get rid of the color Green or put a wall around it after calling it a loser hue. Today it is rumoured that Kermit and Miss Piggy have broken up because he gave out their private text number and racy messages, not all of them to one another. This bully narcissists has now simply gone too far. Connect and laugh along with Jan Marshall...

    By: Jan Marshall
    ... That’s the time I burst into my favorite song: "I deserve a break today, I'll go out and get away,  As any brilliant shopper knows; To the cooked food and wine aisles at ole Trader Joe’s.”   Jan Marshall is the author of Dancin' Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What Available on Amazon LinkedIn

  • 50 Shades of Grey-Haired Dates
    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - One would think that at my age the fact that Captain Crunch is not actually a captain wouldn’t throw me and I would learn not to be naïve. Can I believe that Ms. Muffet actually sat on a Tuffet or was it a recliner? Was the tooth fairy a gimmick perpetrated by a dentist? If so why isn’t there remuneration when folks take out their dentures each evening? When does the truth manifest itself in the dating...

  • Yes, No, or None of the Above?
    (Ask me no questions, I beg you!)

    By: Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - The week has been filled with hundreds of decisions that need resolve. Shall I report Sean Connery for stalking me or just let him off the hook again. If having cellulite indicates great sensuality, how will I manage to stay chaste just for today?  I am weary of it all. As an early riser my body awakens much later than I do, I must choose to honor it or let it lay there like lump of lox. Shall I start with coffee or a protein...

  • The Numbers Game
    Photo: The End Is Nigh... or Not

    By: Paul Minton
    ... envoy to the Middle East. It is a threat, which, while overlooked by scientists everywhere, was first mentioned by the Sage News last month. In her article entitled, 'GRANNY'S STILL GOT IT (and Grandpa too)', Jan Marshall referred to 80 being the new 60 which was the new 30. Since then, web forums have been inundated with people worried about the ramifications of the modified numbering scheme. Sage News itself has received many...

  • GRANNY'S STILL GOT IT (and grandpa too) (c) 2013
    By: Jan Marshall
      (SNN) - Currently silly statements proclaim that 80 is the new 60 which becomes the new 30 and so on, thus changing every number we have known from the beginning of time to a different value. Then comics and others poke fun at us for being forgetful. Then many a familiar title of products and their purpose is exchanged for a strange, newer one. For example: In the past when we referred to an eye pad it was for a pink...

  • Oscar, Schmoscar!
    Image: Best Performance in the Field of Nagging.

    By: Jan Marshall
    ... Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book.   BUY YOUR COPY TODAY Image: Copyright Jan Marshall, All Rights Reserved, Use with Permission

  • Smart Phones, Operating Systems and Breakdowns
    Photo: Phones Having a Calming Effect

    By: Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - The film “HER” is a super romantic movie about s mans love affair with the digital system “woman” living in his phone.  She was kind, affectionate, and supportive.  My experience with “that lady” residing in my phone is not so wonderful BEFORE HEADING TO DIVORCE COURT FOR JAN V SIRI I recalled a previous phone I owned called the Droid THE DROID I had a dread phone.  Even...

  • My Recent Holiday Humbug
    By: Jan Marshall
      (SNN) - I am simply pooped from partying in and out of my home.  I have attended or hosted so many events and was guilt-fed so much food that I was contacted by three separate weight loss organizations to be their before example in a new advertising pitch.  I am not weighing their options or anything else. THE PARTIES Granted, a few of the bashes were bombastic. At the B party, there were the Baklavas who were sweet,...

  • Re-Gifting to Myself
    By: Jan Marshall
      (SNN) - Christmas morning I was awakened from my deep slumber by the blast of my combo iPod/Lawn Mower/Alarm clock playing of all things, “Silent Night”. I sprang out of bed…well sprang is the wrong word since it is obvious my spring has sprung, I crawled out of bed because my head was filled with so much good cheer from the night’s festivities. Eggnog has Calcium; good for the bones, you know. I struggled...

  • Secrets of Manly Males, Nails & Max Factor
    'Does This Eye Shadow Make My Biceps Look Fat?'

    By: Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - Holy moly Batman!  Mani/Peds for men are now au courant. Specialty Salons are opening to cater and provide macho manicures for men along with Scotch and Sports TV. And that’s not all… Before you can flutter your eyes, makeup for men will be a coast-to-coast reality.  It does no good to deny it.  Several years ago men went to barbers for their usual haircuts.  The guy who went to a stylist was...

  • BIGGER the Figure, the More There is... Trans Fat??
    By: Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - I hope it’s simply not too late for me now that the US government is banning bad fats that stick to our bodies for eternity. I was always blaming myself. I thought I was going mad as my clothes shrunk in the washing machine or even immediately after I removed them from a parcel after a purchase. I mistakenly believed the fashion world was making all styles smaller than usual. Then there was the noise emanating from my...

  • Date Night For Me and My Mechanical Man
    Jan "The Legend" Marshall Finds Hardware Issues Hard

    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - A newly discovered Fossil may re-write human evolution, so says the news.  Thus the animals I dated previously would have to be re-evaluated. I also had read that synthetic human cells were being created in laboratories and I was in heaven. If that wasn’t enough, on a current television life style segment they featured a totally robotic fellah with synthetic blood heart, kidneys-the whole shebang only his brain...

  • Idiot Advertisers With Good Intentions
    How I Quit Smoking

    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - A suffering man is shown choking and being exploited to inspire others to stop smoking.  Nonsmokers turn the channel; smokers will do what they do till they don’t. Many, many years ago (last century when Sir Walter Raleigh and I dated), I was a smoker.  I relinquished my habit reluctantly because of a few rotten kids who lived with me.  They said it was wrong for me to yell at them when they ate junk food because...

  • Humor Break! Diet, Exercise and Other Fables
    Marshalling Our Will Power

    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - Prayers have been answered.  Bikini season is almost over.  Speedos too! The world is better off; at least in my zip code anyway. Since 1990, to get ready for the beginning of the summer and the traumatic occasion, I have been on exercise bicycles that go nowhere and leave me spinning; inner journeys that lead to serenity but do not register on Google Earth or my GPS. I did jog once and thought I heard applause...

  • My Canadian Carpenter Ants Who Haven't Repaired a Damn Thing.
    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - I have unwanted visitors.  They appear when it rains and when it is sunny.  Holidays are not excluded.  A few times a year, they roam in my powder rooms which are connected by a wall. THEY ARE ANTS AND THEY ARE A PAIN IN MY…BATHROOM! I believe in gentle persuasion to dissuade these insects.  I usually purchase organic substances. Nothing toxic enters my domain except for my neighbor, Yenta the Gossip. I...

  • AN OPEN LETTER: To Woody Allen
    Regarding the Film - Jasmine Blue

    By Jan Marshall
    DEAR, WOODY, WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK Once again I must kvetch. Jasmine is not your usual Woody Allen film.  Actually since the last century there has not been a usual Woody film; that is, one with the belly laugh type of humor that attracted me to you. Please be clear Mr. Woody; it is not that I do not want you to grow as a person or as filmmaker. But consider this; Does Toyota assemble underwear? Does Hagen-Daz make Formica tables?...

  • Jan Marshall Wants My Love-Child or Maybe Just Eggs
    When Columnists Collide

    By Tim Hurley
    (SNN) - Seven o’clock in the morning is an hour that does not exist on the clocks in New York City. If you are invited to early breakfast, your host means 10:00 a.m. Nevertheless, seven o’clock is when Jan Kellerman Marshall wanted me to meet her for breakfast at her hotel in Midtown. She had news before she had to fly to Los Angeles.  I thought she wanted to congratulate me on my hilarious new book, Shortstack, due at Amazon...

  • Reflections on the Marriage Contract
    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - It started when he rented a billboard that said,  "I love you, Tracy". My name is not Tracy. He started to refer to me as his current wife though we had married right out of junior high school. Returning from the office two days late, he explained traffic was particularly hellish that week. I felt so much compassion for him. When he secretly joined an organization called "Parents without Partners who Pester" and attended...

  • Dear Benji, Love Mom
    By Jan Marshall
    Ben Franklin Philadelphia, Pa.                                               July 1776 Dear Benji, Why haven’t I heard from you? If you had time to sign those declarations, and had the quill out, couldn’t...

  • Dear Publisher's Clearing House
    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - SPOILER ALERT: I DID NOT WIN THE PUBLISHER’S CLEARING HOUSE SWEEPSTAKES! Dear Publisher’s Clearing House, I am not naive. I didn't believe it for a minute. I did not fall for your teasing when the first three letters arrived. I have now received 1,708 letters, 2,302 “likes” on Facebook and 441,780 emails stating: “I may be a $10 million winner.” You hounded me, sending me secret special numbers...

  • Dear Exercise Nuts
    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - Hold on to your barbells. I have news for you. This exposé is going to rock the diet world and every person exercising who is breathing in through their nose and out through their guppy posed lips. It’s even more important than my first study, where I had proven that daily consumption of any type of pasta followed with Sara Lee pound cake is healthier than vitamin C and penicillin combined. Don’t get me wrong. I,...

  • My Life is Falling Apart: Film at 11
    By Jan Marshall
    (SNN) - First: I could not find the invisible tape. Then I stubbed my toe on the refrigerator, and now the fridge is suing for unlawful contact and cursing after it warned me repeatedly to “step away from the refrigerator, Chunkette.” At the bank, the line was so long I had to re-shave my legs.  The teller looked at me suspiciously, then, abruptly shut her window.  The next clerk was counting on his fingers just...

  • Missing from The Marriage Debate: How to Tell When It's Kaput
    By Jan Marshall
    ... inside ... “napping” with an old army buddy. If any of these apply, I suggest it may be time to meet up for a teensie tiny chat at the coffee shop.  But mind you ... these are only guidelines! Jan Marshall is a  Humor Columnist, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Motivational Speaker.  Her latest book,"Dancin Shmancin with the Scars" can be purchased online.  For more information about...

  • Martha Stewart: Dating and Her Up Till Now Secret Twin Dartha
    By Jan Marshall
    ... requested a “tall guy.” He arrived on stilts. We actually got along really well.  I finally had to end it though, when I kept getting splinters in my thighs. yours forever, dartha (baby sister) stewart Jan Marshall is a  Humor Columnist, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Motivational Speaker.  Her latest book, "Dancin Shmancin with the Scars" can be purchased online.  For more information about Jan please...

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