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Linda P. Schaab

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    34 matches found.
  • Cloning Dreams
    By: Linda P. Schaab, tribute bands, bands, performers, musicians, music
    (SNN) With names like Led Zepagain, the Black Sabbastards, and Red Not Chili Peppers, tribute bands are a big part of the Los Angeles music scene. No longer considered novelty acts, tribute bands have become an integral part of the concert industry. Here in BC, we have spawned bands such as BC/DC, Blaze of Glory (Bon Jovi), Dreams (Fleetwood Mac) and Arrival (ABBA). That tribute bands bring people happiness was plain to see at last night’s...

  • Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
    Photo: Making pate can be an adventure

    By: Linda P. Schaab,geese,satire,memorials, sweaters
    (SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held at Sullivan’s Pond, Dartmouth, NS, and the poster stated, somewhat inappropriately I thought since this was a memorial for geese, ‘Happening in good weather for a person or a duck’. Strangely, I saw no ducks in...

  • How to Make Love in a Canoe
    By: Linda P. Schaab, canoe, sex, making love, Canadians
    One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an aphrodisiac. What have we Canadians contributed? The concept of making love in a canoe. Here’s how to do it, first of all keeping in mind the loons aren’t laughing hysterically at you, it’s just their call. Getting...

  • Coping with the Wobblies
    By: Linda P. Schaab, health, coping, stress
    (SNN) Belonging to an elite group is only fun if it was one you aspired to, like giving a hundred speeches and becoming a Distinguished Toastmaster. During that time I would get the “wobblies” almost weekly. “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” I’d ask myself, and then think: “I humiliate myself. I can survive that.” And I did, more than once. My brother and I, having inherited a rare...

  • Experimental Turkeys & Murphy's Law
    By: Linda P. Schaab,science, scientists
    (SNN) It is a paradox of science that before any breakthrough there is often a f’ed-up earlier stage. Out of this f’ed-stage have come some turkeys – turkeys that crossed the road to find something of value on the other side. For the past two hundred years scientists have been fascinated by processes that do not run backwards. It all began with an interest in heat engines. A steam engine converts the chemical energy in...

  • First You Laugh & Then You Think
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) If you don’t agree that levitating a frog and ways to keep your shower curtain from attacking you deserve an award, then read no further. The award is the Ig Nobel Prize (pronounced Ig No-bell, and a play on the word “ignoble”) given to findings in science that first make you laugh, and then make you think. As Amanda Palmer describes the Ig Nobels: “It’s the weirdest f-ing thing that you’ll...

  • Adventures in Eating
    By: Linda P. Schaab, eating, food, festivals, fairs
      (SNN) Some food combinations reside in the collective unconscious – and then there are those that shouldn’t exist at all.    That special is a lottery. Visible from my apartment is a restaurant that has been struggling since it opened. Night after night there are very few cars in the parking lot. My boyfriend, Rob, can’t help noticing and commenting on this. As much as we’d like to see the restaurant...

  • If Life Were Like Improv
    By: Linda P. Schaab, improv, free hugs, acting
    (SNN) What if Shakespeare had said instead, “All the world’s an improv stage”? At a spiritual fair a woman is giving out ‘FREE HUGS’. A man comes up with a woman who could be his girlfriend, sister or friend – and each one receives and returns a hug. A little later the man is back. He’s alone and standing a short distance away. She notices him watching her and feels he is not a creep. “I’m...

  • I Sent You a Dead Rabbit - Now Why Haven't You Called?
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    “Remember, all this will be worth the effort for the satisfaction of getting revenge.” (SNN) - Stalking is a great way to feed your need for power, and with dating sites, finding your target could not be easier. Simply engage in conversation with someone who will then decide not to date you. With your desire for power, this should happen quite soon. You can then begin the stalking. You may want to begin by leaving disturbing...

  • Jian Ghomeshi: All My Fans Make Me Sick
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - With dangerous cracks threatening to appear in a Canadian cultural icon, CBC top brass may someday be singing, ‘All Our Fans Make Us Sick,’ their rendition of Jian Ghomeshi’s song, ‘All My Fans Make Me Sick,’ from the days with his band, "Moxy Früvous". A video of ‘All My Fans Make Me Sick,’ circa 1996, has been unearthed and posted on YouTube by a Victoria blogger. Afterwards, Ghomeshi...

  • Dating After 50 Not Going Well
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Dating Myth #1: If it’s meant to be, “the one” will find you. Cinderella had to remove the soot, leave the house, and get to the ball to meet her Prince Charming. Today we have dating sites. “Hi, beautiful. Are you DFI? NSA?” the message off the dating site read. Put Mae West in this situation and she wouldn’t have had to do what I did, which was ask a never-married female friend what those acronyms...

  • Crap Situation Mushrooms
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Foodophiles are disturbed as a situation develops in BC’s Okanagan Valley that may turn out to be more widespread. White, crimini, portabella, and the more exotic mushrooms are disappearing from produce cases. Information on the disappearance of mushrooms initially came from a produce stocker (some say a produce “stalker”) who has been dubbed the “food innuendo guy,” from the song by Adam Sandler. The...

  • Don't Talk with Your Mouth Full
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - I set out on a photo expedition last weekend, and found a wildlife photographer. Perry Dicks from Vancouver shared from his camera some stunning shots he’d taken of birds. One was an instant favourite – Pied-billed grebes are known to eat small fish, and this one had a mouthful. Birds have their own language. One way to experience this for yourself is to take note of a congregation of birds about to leave on the fall...

  • Sleeping Better with Norad
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    ‘Nobody told me there’d be days like these.’ – John Lennon (SNN) - In light of today’s terrorist attack on Parliament Hill, Canadians are now embracing a relatively unknown sleep aid called Norad. While it has been around for decades, four out of five doctors are saying that as a result of recent events they are recommending their patients consider Norad for a measure of relief from sleeplessness. Norad can...

  • The Magical Mystery Tube
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - While on a photo expedition last weekend, I took a picture of a large and unusual object I came across while hiking a nature trail. This was at the summit of a considerable peak. The object was tall, cylindrical and dark green, and I have no idea what it is. Back at the hotel I questioned two of the staff. Both admitted to having hiked up to the object and to knowing others who are also curious about it, but neither could offer an...

  • Where do Birds go when it Rains?
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Where do birds go when it rains? Google this and you will find an almost endless list of posts from people around the world who wonder what happens to birds during a downpour. I was shocked on visiting a bird sanctuary the day after a rainstorm to find two dead, orange and ugly chicks lying side-by-side on a footbridge, their eyes covered over by a bluish membrane. Apparently nest-mates, they were American coot chicks, also known...

  • Gambler's Rhetoric
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    Bingo-brain – an addiction to gambling so severe that you can’t drive past a bingo hall, or casino, without parking and going in. Hundie – a $100-dollar bill, or what you went through in no time while gambling. Fugasi – something bogus or fake; the kind of money you wish you’d taken to the casino. Riposte – to attempt a comeback; a superstitious action in the hopes of changing bad luck, such as swapping...

  • Canadians Advised to Act Accordingly
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - With three manhunts currently underway across Canada, owners of white vehicles would be wise to stay home until further notice. In B.C., RCMP spokesman Dick Hooey has told SNN, “We are advising all owners of white cars, SUVs and pickups in the south of the province to put themselves under voluntary lockdown until the man eluding RCMP has been caught.” On Oct. 9th a disgruntled man in BC’s Kootenays shot at RCMP,...

  • More Knowledge of Bears Needed
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    “We saw a bear. So we stopped and had a little snack, and the bear had a little snack.”  – Employee at Tourist Information booth in Nakusp, BC. (SNN) - Want to have a close encounter with a bear? My suggestion would be to do what a BC Tourism employee told us they did recently on spotting a bear while out hiking in BC’s Kootenays – get out some food. Fortunately for them, the bear did not become confrontational....

  • Echoes of a Fatal Police Incident
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Late yesterday afternoon, while returning home on Hwy. 6 from an overnight trip to the Kootenays, we encountered a total of 5 unmarked police vehicles with lights flashing coming from the opposite direction at a high rate of speed. The last, just before Lumby, was a navy blue armored vehicle with ‘Police’ on the side. It became obvious that an incident was escalating in the area of the Kootenays we had just left. On returning...

  • Searching for Sasquatch
    A Journey to Squamish, B.C. in Search of Big Foot.

    By: Linda P. Schaab
    “At first I thought it was a Sasquatch but then I thought for a second… hang on, there’s no such thing as a Sasquatch! So it must be an ostrich.” – Richard Fortin, in a post following the M. Lamont video. (SNN) - This past week, after discovering a recently posted video which would seem to show a sasquatch crossing a glacial slope, the next morning I headed out for Squamish, B.C., to see what I might find....

  • How Streaking Is - and Isn't - Like Public Speaking
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    Streaking – dashing through a public area in the nude – is much like public speaking. At the same time, streaking is the opposite of public speaking. (SNN) - I recently saw a streaker, for the first time since an assembly in high school, which was four decades ago. From giving my earliest speeches in what now exceeds a hundred, with the fear never to be forgotten, it occurred to me how much streaking is like beginning public...

  • Clothing Optional
    .. or Frank, his baggage and all of his manly parts.

    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Happily, sightings of nude males in BC’s Okanagan continue with the return of 30-degree temperatures, and a brief return to the valley’s “clothing optional” beaches. Tip: To find a nude beach in the Okanagan, just look for a pumphouse along one of the lakes. More surprising than these more common nude males was the one I encountered while on a September “day-cation”. ‘Frank the Baggage Handler’...

  • An Interview with Stephen King
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - The original plan was to interview Stephen King, but to my disappointment he declined. However, I was able to swing an interview with his bandmate and fellow author, Dave Barry. L: Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Dave. I’m a big fan of your humour and love your writing on bad songs. I understand you play in a rock band, and that Stephen King is in it too? Dave (chuckling): What we lack in talent we make up for in loudness....

  • Trifling with Truffles
    By: Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Four days of trying, and my Christmas truffles still aren’t made! Day 1 – Need last minute goodies for a Christmas concert by young piano students. Defrosted chocolate mixture leftover from Easter. Mixture was very dry, so I added ½ cup of orange brandy. Then it dawned on me, “I can’t take these to a church, for children!” Put truffle mixture in fridge and bought goodies instead. Day 2 – Back...

  • Dark Humour in the Movies
    By Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Who hasn’t made a comment in bad taste at a funeral? Okay, so most people know better than to risk this – just not me. But who could blame Veronica for making such a blunder in the 80s high school cult classic, “Heathers” (so named because 3 of the 4 girls in their clique are named Heather)? Veronica had every reason to be stressed at the funeral of her best friend/worst enemy – she had played a direct...

  • How to speak Canadian
    By Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Sometimes the way we use our language in Canada just doesn’t make sense. For example, in hockey it’s not the Toronto Maple Leaves, it’s the Maple Leafs, or just Leafs. Everyone knows the plural of leaf is not leafs. A lot of importance is placed on what we call ourselves. Call someone from the Maritimes a “Newfie” and he’ll be insulted. Call a Newfoundlander a “Maritimer” and he will...

  • Gonzo Mondegreens
    By Linda P. Schaab
    (SNN) - Ever been heckled for getting the words wrong? Reactions can vary from mild embarrassment, such as when you're in the car singing dos a dos and your best friend laughs at your flub, to this: hot-faced, wide-eyed horror when, in a moment of sonic repose, you sing unabashedly for the benefit of a car-load on the way to the bar and belt out a hilarious misinterpretation. Belonging to the Humor Writers Group on Linked In, and hoping...

  • New Cryptid Discovered at Kalmalka Lake, British Columbia
    Loch Ness Monster, L' Ogopogo, or the Akalaka?

    By Linda P. Schaab
    ... film.” Floyd's girlfriend, Pinky Tuscadero, believes it is the first time a photograph has been taken of a lake monster in Kalamalka Lake. “I’m calling it ‘Akalaka’,” she said. Photo by: Linda P. Schaab, Some Rights Reserved

  • Candidate for the Darwin Award
    By Linda P. Schaab
    The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome, honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it,” Darci reads. “Men can be such fools,” she thinks, unaware that her husband, Adam, is about to do something spectacularly unwise. Darci and Adam live on the northern BC/Alberta border, and Adam’s job as a mobile welder on the oil rigs often requires him to be away overnight. So he put a loaded .45...

  • The Tale of the Salmon Mousse
    By Linda P. Schaab
    My Aunt Chris grew up in Glasgow, Scotland. Her family lived on the wrong side of the tracks, but Chris was very fortunate. Intelligent and beautiful, she was engaged to a good-looking young man from a prominent family that owned a large construction company. Chris and George shared a love of art and had met in an art gallery. A year later they were married in a lavish ceremony in a beautiful cathedral. As a wedding present George’s...

  • The Free Bird
    By Linda P. Schaab
    Going on a dating site, Melanie connects with Carlos, a musician, and he invites her to his gig that night. Melanie is unsure about meeting Carlos. What does she really know about him? But she calls her friend, Bridget, and they head down to the bar. When Melanie arrives Carlos is onstage, playing lead guitar with a drummer and a bassist. The women are seated at a table up front when, between songs, a man at the bar shouts out, “FREEBIRD!”...

  • Shades of Grey
    By Linda P. Schaab
    On waking, Jan feels wetness against her face and puts her hand flat on her pillow. Groggily, she realizes it is completely soaked with strawberry scented lubricant. Lying on the pillow is the wand of the headboard-mounted Easy-Flow Lube Applicator, another of her buys off the Home Shopping Channel. It had been quite a night of lovemaking. Her lover had left at dawn and she’d fallen into an exhausted sleep. But now, looking at herself...

  • The "Cracked' Actor
    By Linda P. Schaab
    Steve is performing with his band at jam night in a downtown Vancouver bar. After doing several of the band’s original songs, they end their set with a cover of a CCR song. Using the well-known change to the line, “There’s a bad moon on the rise,” Steve sings instead, “There’s a bathroom on the right.” Michelle works for HMP Music in Vancouver, in their Artists and Repertoire department. Knowledgeable...

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