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Melodie Campbell

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  • Pet Peeve Number 4: Life Jackets
    Mostly-True Story (yet more proof that tragedy is the root of comedy)

    By: Melodie Campbell, life jackets, fashion, shopping
    ... “That’s the idea.” Me: “Won’t that affect the buoyancy of the product?” Clerk: “I don’t think you have a problem with buoyancy.” Revising estimate. Kid may be older than I think. Melodie Campbell writes seriously funny books. WORST DATE EVER comes out Sept. 5, available on Amazon, in bookstores, and all the usual suspects

    By: Melodie Campbell, Disney Princesses, Disney, fairytales,

    By: Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) We tried to have a dinner party a while back.  Years ago, this wouldn’t have been a big thing.  I love cooking. (I love eating even more, which should be obvious.)  We have a decent size dining room with enough chairs.  And we actually like the people we were going to invite (itself, a great accomplishment.) So we went ahead and invited the people (step 1.)  Next we had to come up with...

  • Canada Day - Pass the Hootch
    Photo: A flash of hootch-induced patriotism

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... 1867, Canada has never been invaded by Americans.  We have universal health care.  And best of all, we get rid of our politicians by sending them to Ottawa every winter.  Talk about punishment.   Melodie Campbell is a recipient of the Derringer and Arthur Ellis Awards. She is also the author of the successful Goddaughter, Fashionation, and Land's End series of novels. Find her at Photo Credit:...

  • What to Eat When you Read (more wacky unsolicited advice)
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... me.) The answer is more chocolate.  (Silly. That’s the answer to almost anything.) Sci-fi KIND nut bars.  Okay, is the metaphor too obvious? What to Eat if you’re a Writer: Coffee. And humble pie. Melodie Campbell’s latest mob comedy, The Goddaughter Caper, has just been released.  It’s an offer you can’t refuse.  No, really.  Buy it.  Available at all the usual suspects. Photo...

  • Brunehilde and the Shopping Trip From Hell
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... (Men, stop reading here.) Sob! I’ve progressed to a 38 Long. Apparently, I need winches. My bra needs a bra. And I need a drink. Pass the Jack Russell. Wait a minute – that’s a dog. I meant Jack Daniels. Melodie Campbell writes very silly stuff from her home near Toronto.  She has won ten awards for fiction, and her books are available at all the usual suspects. Photo:  "Brunhilde wants to dance" by Mia Kitchensink...

  • If the Shoe Fits
    By: Melodie Campbell
    (SNN)  Remember sneakers?  The fashion footwear of the seventies and eighties.  Good ole trusty sneakers that your mother hated.  The kind you wore until they were really scruffy and had holes in the canvas.  Just when they were getting really comfortable, the soles would fall off. Sneakers, runners…you know what I mean. Recently, I went looking for a new pair.  Things have changed a lot in the footwear...

  • Blame It On Barbie
    Photo: Do blondes have more fleas?

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... cruel. Usually foreign and sneaky. Throw in green eyes, and you’ve got the classic Hollywood Evil Woman. Evil, evil, evil. So be a little careful before you start to criticize this column. I might put a hex on you. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like the award-winning mob Goddaughter series, starting with The Goddaughter. She is a natural brunette, so I suggest you buy them.- MC Photo: Some Rights Reserved by psyberartist...

  • Renovation? Aggravation!
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... was not an improvement. One more thing bothers me about all this fancy renaming business.  If they insist on calling doors ‘Entry Systems,’ what about Exit Systems? Or is that the new name for toilets? Melodie Campbell has ten awards for fiction, which means that some judges out there have asurprising bent for humour.  You can find her books at Chapters, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and all the usual places.

  • The Postman Always Rings for Money
    Photo: This is a real Canadian post office name, exclamation marks and all

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... am indeed proud to be representing YOU on this 45 day world tour, stopping in such major centres as Paris, London, Rome, Sydney, Tokyo, New York, and everywhere else they agree to ply me with premium scotch… Dear MELODIE CAMPBELL: Congratulations, MELODIE CAMPBELL! You have been especially chosen by our computers as the winner of AN ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO HAWAII! Yes, MELODIE CAMPBELL, you have already qualified to win the above...

  • Never Marry a Writer!
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... a writer, don’t worry over-much.  Usually writers do not kill the hand that feeds them.  Most likely, we are way too focused on figuring out ways to kill our agents, editors, and particularly, reviewers. Melodie Campbell has been called “Canada’s Queen of Comedy” by the Toronto Sun.  You can buy The Goddaughters and other books at Chapters/Indigo and Amazon. Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved. By...

  • The One That Got Away
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... missed, he convulsed into a snickering heap. Whenever I swung and made contact, he dissolved into a howling mass and writhed about on the grass. I would have smashed him over the head with my golf club, but he got away. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like The Goddaughter’s Revenge, winner of the 2014 Derringer and Arthur Ellis Awards.  Check them out online at Chapters and Amazon. Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by...

  • Bad Girl: Stomping on the Box
    Photo: The obvious solution

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... suite should be reduced to a bachelor pad. 4. Replace the oboe player with a duck. 5. Finally: does anyone, anywhere, ever need THREE TENORS? Ten solutions, people, in ten minutes. Now really…was that so difficult? Melodie Campbell is a comedy writer from back in the Paleolithic era. You can buy her “hilarious” Goddaughter mob caper series at Chapters, and all the usual places. Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved ...

  • BAD GIRL: "He said THAT?" And Other Male No-Nos
    Photo: The Rolling Pin of Wrath

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... anything at all from this lesson today, and you want to continue breathing, you will NOT say: “Have you lost weight?” Next time, we will explore the issue of pickup lines. <I can hardly wait for this one.> Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like the mob comedy, The Artful Goddaughter. You can buy them in stores like Chapters and online at all major retailers. Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Kevin Dooley Flickr...

  • Bring Back Trash!
    Photo: Not pointing any fingers here...

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... every 8-roll package of toilet paper. Romance with the Cottonelle! Chicklit glitz with the Royale (is that why they call it the throne?) Westerns with the unbranded (ouch). And flush the notion that all reading is torture. Melodie Campbell reads in the bathroom when she is not writing funny books like The Artful Goddaughter (available in real live bookstores, and online all over the place.) Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by...

  • Bad Girl: Chair Today - Gone Tomorrow
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... home.  Goldilocks found her cake. Unfortunately, Goldilocks left her wallet in that store, which is why we’re headed back there today.  Which only goes to show, even having your cake can be a pain in the butt. Melodie Campbell writes funny books with her butt in a new office chair.  You can find The Artful Goddaughter mob caper series at Chapters, B&N, Amazon and all the usual places. Photo: Some Rights Reserved by...

  • Bad Girl: Life in the Fast Lane
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... world, get together and decide what speed the fast lane should travel at. Then – just for you – us ladies will get together and construct a series of fast lanes all the way to the moon…one way, of course. Melodie Campbell writes funny novels for which she has won awards. You can find them at Chapters, Barnes&Noble, Amazon, Walmart and even Zehrs.  Image: Some Rights Reserved by noisemedia flickr photostream,...

  • BAD GIRL: From Rebel to Rubble
    ... and why Zombie movies are such a hit right now

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... feeling absolutely awful, and you haven’t been drinking. When the toilet seems an awfully long way down. And here it is, the finale, wait for it: When you actually WANT to hear about other people’s operations. Melodie Campbell’s hilarious bestselling Land’s End Trilogy is on sale for a ridiculous 99 cents! Grab it now, to find out why reviewers have called this “OUTLANDER meets Sex and the City.”  Image:...

  • Bad Girl: Have a Confusing Christmas!
    Image: The Peacock. You thought I was kidding.

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... Palm Tree” may be confusing to you folk who know the song and are expecting a partridge with pears, but to those of us who have been confused about Christmas all our lives, it is mere icing on the proverbial Kugal. Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy them at Chapters/Indigo, Barnes&Noble, Amazon, etc.  Sometimes even at the discount table at Zehrs and Walmart.)

  • Bad Girl: The Christmas Spirit
    By: Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) - Skip the fancy jewelry, fur coats, and dishwashers that do everything.  Let’s be realistic and talk about what we all REALLY want for Christmas…which is a parking spot at the mall. Let’s face it.  Each year we spend hundreds of miserable hours driving round and round suburban parking lots, in sub-zero weather, during blinding snow storms, looking for a place to park the family car.  This is so we...

  • Bad Girl: You can take your phone and...
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... someone’s throat until they choke on it? What’s more, who can get really excited about an obscene phone call made over a cellphone the size of a playing card? Come on now…do I really need to spell out the symbolism? Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like the award-winning mob comedy, The Goddaughter’s Revenge. You can buy them at Chapters and online at all the usual sources. Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Robb North. The Sage...

  • My Dog thinks his name is Dammit
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... panties in front of all the neighbours. (“Oh look, dear! She shops at Walmart.”) Ever wonder how those lone abandoned socks find their way to the side of the road? I bet you thought they blew out of car windows. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like The Artful Goddaughter mob caper, available at Chapters and all online retailers. Image: Frankenpoodle, Some Rights Reserved by Carissa Bonham flickr photostream, The Sage nor this...

  • Life with a Gear-Head
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... to-the-death struggle that only breaks up when I change strategy and grab the keys to HIS car off the shelf. “No fair,” he says gasping for air. “All’s fair in love and cars,” I reply philosophically. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including The Artful Goddaughter, book three in the award-winning mob crime comedy series. 

  • MEN and GRASS: The Final Frontier
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... Mable and I are discussing laundry. “Laundry sucks,” says Mable. “All Len’s clothes are dirty. I think I’ll just throw them out.” “Go for it.” I say. And then we go shopping. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like The Goddaughter’s Revenge, winner of the 2014 Derringer and Arthur Ellis Awards. You can buy them at Chapters and at online retailers everywhere. Photo: Some Rights Reserved...

  • The Magic that is Hardware - Man's Favorite Store
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... stuff collects. And before you know it, they have to go back to Canadian Tire to buy more stuff on which to put their stuff, like workbenches and pegboard, and more tools with which to put said stuff-holders together… Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like The Goddaughter’s Revenge, winner of the 2014 Derringer and Arthur Ellis Awards. You can buy them at Chapters and at online retailers everywhere.

  • Sushi for Two - and Pass the Matzo
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... they put with it?" I said gamely. Wil leaned over.  "Looks like fish eyes.  But don't worry.  They're cooked." Maybe that's why they use chopsticks.  Maybe they don't WANT to eat it. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including the 2014 Derringer Award winner, THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, which is available at Chapters/Indigo, and online everywhere. Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Bart flickr photostream,...

  • The Wacky World of Advertising
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... But…is it nut-free? Obviously not. (Okay, that was subtle, but as a career marketing director, I can ‘certify’ that advertising execs are indeed nuts. ‘Certifiably’ so. Okay, I’ll stop now.) Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including the 2014 Derringer Award winner, THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, which is available at Chapters/Indigo, and online everywhere. Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Steve Jurvetson...

  • The Difference Between Men and Boys... is the price of their toys
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... it. All his real vehicles now have little remote vehicles to keep them company. They have – wait for it – their own children! No question…I’m going to have to get the kids to visit home more often. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like The Goddaughter’s Revenge, winner of the Derringer Award. You can buy them at Chapters and at online retailers everywhere. Photo: Some Right Reserved by Mark Ellis flickr photostream,...

  • Age Gracefully? No Way!
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... irritants of aging is you tend to forget things. This has certain advantages. I haven’t weighed myself in weeks. Any day now, I might forget I am married… oh, wait a minute – I forgot: this is a family column. Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge, a finalist for the Derringer, is available at Chapter/Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Amazon and other retailers. Photo: Some rights reserved by Justin...

  • Let's Play Doctor
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... this” it’s time to get out of there real fast and see about using the medical strategy noted above, namely Glenlivet in copious quantities. You may still feel sick after this, but at least you’ll know why. Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge is available at Chapter/Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Amazon and other retailers. Photo: Some rights reserved by libbyiscool flickr photostream. The...

  • Money Laundering and Other Services
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... it drycleaned, and botoxed to iron out the wrinkles? Frankly, I’m getting fed up. If they’re going to take my money out on the town and show it a good time, the least they can do is teach it how to reproduce. Melodie Campbell writes the comic mob caper series, The Goddaughter. You can buy her paperbacks and ebooks at Chapters, Amazon, and Barnes&Noble. Photo: Some rights reserved by Images_of_Money flickr photostream,...

  • Flying the Friendly Skies
    I love England. But I hate getting there.

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... crash-land in the middle of the ocean, we’ll still be breathing oxygen, wearing fancy floatation devices, be pickled in scotch, and in perfect physical condition for the sharks to eat. That’s thinking ahead. Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy The Goddaughter mob caper series at Chapters/Indigo, Barnes&Noble and Amazon. Photo: Some rights reserved by Aero Icarus flickr photostream, The Sage nor...

  • Morticia's Night Before Christmas
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... them reharnessed As quick as a wink Then he mounted and muttered “Could I use a drink!” And I heard him proclaim As he rose out of sight, “Merry Christmas – Hey doll! "Be back later tonight!” Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy them at Chapters/Indigo, Barnes &Noble and Amazon. Photo: Some rights reserved by hubs flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

  • Hold the Fur, Santa!
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... “You’re right. I don’t.” “Careful, kiddo. He might decide not to come.” A cynic, but not stupid. “Oh, well in that case…” “I thought you’d see it my way.” Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge has just been released and is available at Chapters, Barnes & Noble and Amazon. Photo: Some rights reserved by deadstardro flickr...

  • Burglars Beware! The Ultimate Booby Trap
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... away, it’s simple. Throw a few ride-um toys on the front lawn of your home – preferable boy ones. Then everyone will know you have kids, so there couldn’t possibly be anything of value left inside… Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge has just been released and is available at Chapters and Amazon. Photo: Some rights reserved by lucidtech flickr photostream, The Sage nor...

  • Pet Frogs and Other Gifts
    (Or, What NOT to Buy Your Gal for Christmas)

    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... No, women are much more likely to say: Betty:  “Ed bought me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.” Marge:  “Ed has the soul and finesse of a long-dead lake trout.” Which is to say, he stinks. Melodie Campbell writes funny books.  The Goddaughter’s Revenge has just been released and is available at Chapters and Amazon. Photo: Some rights reserved by patriziasoliani flickr photostream,...

  • Just in time for Halloween . . .
    More from Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

    By Melodie Campbell
    ... I’m a large. Especially where it counts, hon. Dear Morticia; Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself? Signed Skeptic Dear Skep; Of course I don’t make it up! I have a ghostwriter. Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE. You can find them at Chapters and online at Amazon and most other retailers. Photo:  Some rights reserved by Pedro J. Ferreira flickr...

  • Road Warrior
    By: Melodie Campbell
    ... “teach them a lesson.” What was he going to do? Kick their tires? Of course, we females don’t participate in ridiculous behavior like this. We’re far too busy shopping for things we don’t need. Melodie Campbell writes funny books about the mob. The Goddaughter’s Revenge launches Oct. 1 at Chapters, Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Photo: Some rights reserved by Spanish...

  • Bank Robbers I Have Known . . .
    By Melodie Campbell
    ... Unfortunately, on this particularl job, he was not the only professional on the block. Out the door with several thousand in a respectable 45 seconds, he stopped dead at the curb, staring at an empty space. His car was stolen. Melodie Campbell writes funny books about the mob. The Goddaughter’s Revenge launches Oct. 1 at Chapters, Amazon and Barnes&Noble. Illustration: Some rights reserved by flickr...

  • Selling Out to Hollywood!
    By Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) - I read one of those self-help books the other day, and I’m beginning to realize why I’m not getting very rich. (For one thing, I’m not writing self-help books.) It is patently obvious that nobody is going to get wealthy writing humor for newspapers unless they roll up the paper and whack somebody over the head with it during the course of a bank robbery. So I’ve decided to switch media here and become a screenwriter....

  • Bad Girl's Tricks for Writing with Kids
    IN THE WRITING TRENCHES: Rules for Parents

    By Melodie Campbell
    ... their room into a study or writing room. Wait until after Christmas. The sales are better. Re “Leaving the nest”: An emotional time for all. But probably you shouldn’t do it until your kids are grown up. Melodie Campbell has been called "Canada's Undisputed Queen of Comedy." She writes funny books. You can get them at Chapters or Amazon.

  • No Forwarding Address...
    By Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) - The best advice I can give about moving is: DON’T. Barring that…there is no good advice about moving. Unfortunately, moving house is like going to the dentist. Not only is the ordeal painful, but you get to spend huge amounts of money for the privilege. If it turns out you absolutely have to move, the best thing to do is pile all of your stuff on the front lawn, and set fire to it. Because even if you spend gargantuan...

  • Golf is a Four Letter Word
    By Melodie Campbell
    ... Ethic Here?? There’s only one explanation, and it has to do with the other Scottish religion – the one I apparently married into - saving money. The fewer times you hit the ball, the longer the ball lasts… Melodie Campbell got her start writing stand-up. You can follow her or better still, buy her books at Chapters. Photo: Some rights reserved by .noir photographer flickr photostream,...

  • "Is that a salami in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
    ... or How to Tell the Truth if You're Italian

    By Melodie Campbell
    ... tell you’re Italian: Jewelry. Lots of it. The plane nearly came down with the weight of newly purchased gold worn on that last trip back from Rome. Heard in all lines at Customs: “What, this old thing?” Melodie Campbell got her start writing stand-up. You can follow her at or better still, buy her books at Chapters. Photo: Some rights reserved by CosmoPolitician flickr photostream, "The...

  • More from Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy
    By Melodie Campbell
    ... winnings to my address and I'll do a test run for ya. Dear Morticia; What is the quickest way to a woman's heart? No Don Juan Dear No Don; Zippered sweaters, although wrap-around blouses run a close second. Posted by Melodie Campbell

  • Introducing...Morticia's Massage Parlour and Free Advice Academy
    By Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) - Back in the bad ole days, I had a gig writing a wacky advice column for a resto/bar trade mag.  On the urging of a few friends who have absolutely no taste, I am bringing Morticia back to life <sic> on these pages.  Reprinted with permission... Dear Morticia: This guy I really like has finally asked me out.  Thing is, I met him at a beach and he doesn't know I wear glasses.  Should I wear them on our...

  • Up the Tabloids!
    By Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) - I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I have it on very good authority that we will all soon be eaten by Aliens. You may not believe it, but they even have pictures. I’ve seen them. In the National Enquirer. I’ll bet you think this type of reporting is believed only by people with the intelligence of woodworms. But frankly, the supermarket tabloids cover a market that daily city papers are frightfully lax about reporting....

  • Mr. Fixit
    By Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) - Back in the sixties, when young boys were fascinated with Superman, Star Trek and The Green Lantern, something went slightly amiss in my guy’s childhood. He fixated on the wrong fantasy. My husband’s hero surely must have been television’s “Mr. Fixit.” This is the only way to explain the litter of tools and half-finished projects around this house. Remember those shows? Mr Fixit would decide to renovate...

  • When Toothpaste is a Food Group
    By Melodie Campbell
    (SNN) - I’ve always been a curvy girl. Even in youth, I had more in common with Sophia than Twiggy, and towards the end of the last decade, I was definitely in the Marilyn class. But lately, there has been a slight shifting of the curves…a lower European drop, so to speak. The crisis came last January, when the sweet little store Clerkette asked me when I was ‘due’. For the record, I was done long ago. It was obvious:...

  • I AM NOT - A sexy porn gerl - and other Twitter Mishaps
    By Melodie Campbell
    It started with the Berlin Brothel. Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter. I don’t live in Berlin. I’ve never worked in a brothel. Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now. I certainly haven’t said it out loud. Then some wag from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall. That’s it! The...

    By Melodie Campbell
    I’m a former comedy writer who has fallen off the stage and into the world of writing screwball comedies. The Goddaughter is my latest zany book. People often ask me why I write silly stuff. I say it’s because I am seriously fed up with reality. I mean, really - what’s so special about it? Everybody does it. So for those of you who are sick of reality (TV or otherwise,) this is for you. In the lofty traditions of Dallas,...

  • Why Book Tours are Expensive
    (More Comedy on the Road)

    By Melodie Campbell
    I’ve recently been on a book tour for my latest screwball comedy, The Goddaughter. Book tours are expensive. You travel around to independent book stores and you sell some books and sign them. It’s fun. You meet a lot of great people. But it’s expensive. And I’m not talking about the hotel tab and the bar bill. I should have just stayed in the bar. It was leaving the bar that become expensive. Nice night. We decided...

    By Melodie Campbell
    Apparently, the current hot project for Those Who Don’t Have Enough To Do In Government, is making our language completely gender-neutral. “Harbourmaster” is the latest word to fall under the gender axe. While I wouldn’t dream of suggesting “Harbour Mistress” (this is a family column) I am not so sure about HarbourPerson either. No doubt about it, that man in “woman” has got to go. Probably...

  • BATHING SUIT HELL or My War with the Madonna Suit
    By Melodie Campbell
    Last week I had to do something that engenders the kind of enthusiasm that might be associated with a mass accident on the Gardiner Expressway. I went shopping for a bathing suit. “Do you have anything with winches?” I say to sweet little Clerkette. “Is that a brand name?” She squeaks back. It is obvious from the start this isn’t going to work. Clerkette looks all of sixteen. She comes back with a two piece...

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