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Paul Minton

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  • INTRODUCING: The Black Hole (TM) Vacuum Cleaner
    Photo: The deep vacuum of space

    By: Paul Minton
    ADVERTISING FEATURE (SNN) - Hi! I'm Paul Minton and I'm here to tell you all about the amazing new vacuum cleaner from Einstein Industries.  People have been faced with the need to remove dirt from floors since the Dark Ages. First, they tried licking it up. Then, they it tried getting their pets to lick it up and when that failed, they turned to elderly relatives covered with double-sided sticky tape. Of course, mechanical...

  • Grim Reaper Faces Legal Challenge
    Photo: Mr. Reaper at the suddenly-terminated press conference

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - A UK protest group announced its intention, this week, to take the Grim Reaper to court on the grounds of sexual discrimination. The campaigners decided to seek a legal remedy following the publication of controversial life expectancy figures in the trade magazine, Mortality Monthly. In a news conference, their solicitor, Marcus Bang of Prang, Bang & Dang, remarked that British men were likely to die, on average, three years...

  • The Numbers Game
    Photo: The End Is Nigh... or Not

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - "It represents one of the gravest dangers to our modern way of life since the last one!" That's the shocking conclusion of an influential think tank, which reported to the United Nations Global Anxiety Committee this week. But this isn't anything to do with climate change, pollution, or the rumours that George W Bush will become a peace envoy to the Middle East. It is a threat, which, while overlooked by scientists everywhere,...

  • Punctuating the Silence
    Photo: Covert Training Camp for Grammarphone Cult

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - The family of Eunice Mills of Stevens Point, Wisconsin confirmed her death this week, saying that she had been suffering from a long stillness. The news was met with dismay by historians everywhere as she was believed to have been the last surviving member of a religious sect known as the Grammarphones. Created by science fiction author, Elrond Cupboard, the cult had considered not only the words of the Bible to be holy but...

  • Otterman Returns
    PHOTO: Our Hero In A Pensive Mood

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - With a renewed interest in comic books thanks to the recent cinematic successes of Captain America and Spider-Man, Marvel is dusting down its back catalogue in search of its next money-spinning franchise. "He swims like a dog and drinks like a fish" was the tagline for the largely forgotten superhero, Otter Man. Devised by the legendary partnership of Stan Lee and David Attenborough, the character was not well received...

  • Turkish PM Outlaws All Communication
    Photo: Erdogan All A-Twitter About Social Media

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - After months of trying to eliminate social media giants like YouTube,Twitter and the Arkansas Gazette from his country, Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, has now resorted to more extreme tactics. With both he and his son facing allegations of corruption and temper tantrums, Mr Erdogan's latest attempt to stem the slurs involves the prohibition of all information communicated by audible or written means. The new...

  • Scratchcard Winner's Hopes For Italy
    Prize Recipient Delighted to Be Given the Boot

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - When Daisy Mayflower matched three boot symbols on a lottery scratchcard, she thought she might get a little money or perhaps a shoe store voucher. However, after ringing the claims hotline, she was astonished to discover that she had actually won Italy. So-called "country dumping" is becoming increasingly popular with cash-strapped governments aiming to rid themselves of their struggling economies. Experts predict that we will see...

  • New Zealand's Shepherd Jacking Crisis: A Special Report
    Photo: Could This Man Be Next?

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - Earlier this month, a respected farmer from Dunedin, New Zealand became the latest victim to fall foul of criminals targeting the nation's agricultural industry. Whilst many experts had believed it was something consigned to the history books, sheep farmer rustling (also known as baa jacking) has continued to grow over recent years and promises big rewards for those prepared to take the risk. It's said to be the biggest crimewave...

  • Truth About Red Planet is Revealed
    Photo: Mars Rover on Planet Before Being Stripped by Vandals

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - It was back in July that NASA's Curiosity Rover first sniffed the Martian atmosphere and reported back to the waiting scientific community. When the composition of carbon dioxide, argon, and nitrogen was finally announced, it proved to be no surprise and experts were authorised to act smugly for the rest of the month. However, WikiLeaks founder and fugitive from absolutely everywhere apart from Ecuador, Julian Assange, has...

  • Final Goodbye to Tiny Nun
    Photo: Sister Mary On Her Visit To The White House

    By: Paul Minton
    (SNN) - The world's smallest nun, Sister Mary Microscopico, was laid to rest today after her tragic death last weekend. Born a Streptococcus bacterium in an Argentinian laboratory, Sister Mary grew up an orphan. Details from this period are scant, however, since the orphan concerned has continually declined to give interviews. Facing poverty, prejudice, and antibiotics, the young Streptococcus eventually settled...

  • Unexpected Discovery at Welsh Hospital
    Photo: Doctors work to free assistant from patient

    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - Herbert Pugh of Mid Glamorgan, Wales was recovering in the hospital today after being rushed to his local Accident and Emergency unit suffering from chest pains. Mr Pugh had undergone successful heart surgery in early October, but doctors investigating this latest admission were shocked when they discovered a distressed Filipino nurse behind his rib cage. It is now apparent that the 26 year old theatre assistant, who had been part...

  • Eureka Technology Fair - Making the Possible Possible
    Photo: Microsoft Booth Rep Thrilled With Turnout

    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - Technology fans from across the world will be descending on Eureka, California this week as the city prepares to stage its annual innovation fair. Celebrating its tenth anniversary, the event has mushroomed like a giant snowball to become the biggest kind of its type. This year's festival is organized again by George T Hudson, the eccentric billionaire, who is as well known for his philanthropy as he is for his penchant...

  • New Laws For Werewolf Owners
    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - From midnight on 2nd November, owners of werewolves in England and Wales will be legally required to carry a wolf whistle and will have to keep their animals on a leash at all times. It follows concerns about the anti-social behaviour of some exotic pets and the rising cost of supernatural defence. Many councils have already resorted to cheaper alternatives in order to tackle rogue monsters, substituting silver bullets and wooden...

  • Diet Champ Probed Over Missing Limbs
    Cheating Suspected in Miracle Weight Loss

    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - The annual 'Slimmer of the Month' ceremony held every week in Vancouver's City Hall has been postponed following a probe into the doings of Dudley Bolton. Mr Bolton had been expected to collect the prestigious 'Golden Adipose' award and a side order of fries after shedding 97% of his body weight. Suspicions that something was amiss were voiced as far back as June, when organisers at his local dieting club...

  • Papers Reveal Churchill's Clowns
    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - Following a request made under the Freedom of Information Act, the UK government has released papers that reveal the existence of a previously unknown troupe of circus clowns, who operated behind enemy lines during the Second World War. The group, known as 'Churchill's Clowns' by those who needed to know who knew, were assembled by circus impresario, Billy Smart, who believed their huge red noses and outrageous hair...

  • L.A. Cops to look into Deadly Paint
    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - Tragedy struck downtown Los Angeles yesterday when professional decorator, Nathan Tucker, accidently painted himself into a corner. Mr Tucker, a 54 year old middle-aged white Caucasian adult male man, was working in the bathroom of a residential property when he is understood to have become confused following use of a paint called 'Hypothermic Dazzle'. The same product has been linked to many similar incidents, but this...

  • Shock Recall of Voyager Probe
    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - The announcement that the Voyager-1 space probe had finally left the solar system after 36 years was greeted with considerable enthusiasm amongst the scientific community this week. Indeed, many senior astronomers were so excited, they were taken to the hospital suffering from death. However, a news conference convened by Jim Parsons, star of TV's 'The Big Bang Theory' and Head of Operations at NASA, soon dampened the...

  • Berlusconi Gives New Hope to Hair Loss Victims
    Miracle Replacement Product Can Fix Male Pattern Baldness

    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) - After years of speculation, former Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has finally confirmed that his scalp is disfigured by an enormous bald spot twice the size of his head. In an explosive news conference, the 76 year old tycoon announced that he had been using up to 20 black markers every day to cover bare patches on his head and chest, although he refused to be drawn on other areas of his body. He admitted he had...

  • Medicine Hat Inundated With Sick Headgear
    Among Unhealthy Hats Spotted Was Rare Toilet Bowler

    By Paul Minton
    (SNN) The town of Medicine Hat, Alberta found itself under siege this week after a vast quantity of sick and dying headwear arrived in search of specialist treatment. Authorities have been struggling to contain the crisis and local hat stands are said to be collapsing under the pressure. The hats are reported to be suffering from a variety of ailments ranging from felt blight and ruptured linings to sticky brim and ribbon itch. One new arrival,...

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