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R.S. Gompertz

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  • Russians Invent Brave New Winter Sports to Keep World Interested
    Photo: Inspiration For Super Mongols Event

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Attempting to build attendance and compensate for the fact that there is more snow in Alabama than Sochi, Russian Olympic officials are offering many new sporting attractions. These include: Super Mongols - Hockey players dressed as Genghis Kahn invade the Olympic Village and subjugate its inhabitants   Short Track Derby - Watching people with big thighs skate in tight circles becomes more interesting when they are...

  • Facebook Turns 10. Edits Profile to Look Older.
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - In Feb 2004 “The Facebook” was born in a Harvard dorm room. This was notable at the time because previously Harvard dorm rooms had been limited to conception. A brief decade and a billion users later, little Facebook is already acting like a teenager. Her adopted parents, Microsoft and Apple, couldn’t be more proud. “Looking back,” said Apple, “it was always clear she was precocious. As a...

  • Keystone XL Pipeline Will Now Bring Seawater to Alberta
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - After five years of analysis and millions of dollars in lobbyist fees, US and Canadian leaders have proposed an ingenious compromise for the heated debate over the Keystone XL pipeline. Instead of sending tar sand oil south from Alberta, the US will send tar-rich water north from the Gulf of Mexico. The breakthrough came when proponents and critics agreed that oil and sea water don’t mix, but both are valuable. Dirty water...

  • Stoners to Pack the Super Bowl
    Photo: Some Super Bowls For Fans To Pack

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Activists from the two legalized marijuana states may take the super bowl literally as teams from Washington and Colorado compete for the championship. Why the sudden stoner interest in football? The logic is smoky, but Socratic: Paul Allen owns the Seahawks. Paul Allen owns Jimi Hendrix’s Woodstock guitar. Therefore Jimi will return to play the Super Bowl. A fan calling himself “13-Man” revealed that the pot...

  • "Mitt" Documentary Reveals Romney's Inner Robot
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Now that Barack Obama has entered the lame duck phase of his second term, the US political establishment is furiously rewriting past history and sending up trial balloons for the future. Exhibit “A” is “Mitt,” the Netflix inside look at the Romney campaign. The video is pieced together from disjointed segments shot by Romney’s home movie team.  The action – See Mitt Debate! See Mitt in...

  • Stoners Hijack Plane to Colorado
    Photo:'They were screwing around in the cockpit and made us spill our drinks.'

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Canadian stoners demanding asylum in Colorado hijacked a plane from Toronto originally bound for the State of Washington. Two 18-year-old males each threatened to ignite 3 ounces of hash oil that they claimed would expand so rapidly the plane would explode. “The worst that could have occurred would have been a plane-wide coughing fit followed by a lot of giggling,” claimed one of the television’s two Myth Busters...

  • The World's Best Franchise Opportunities
    Photo: Watch your investments grow!

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Tired of working for someone else? It’s easier to stick it to the man when you are the boss! Here is a list of modern gold mines, many of which can be yours for a small initial investments of under $25,000. Panda Panini:   Foodies and gourmet eaters will line up and pay good money to nibble on rare and endangered species. Yelp Wanted:  Get paid by the word to post glowing 4-star reviews for your...

  • New Marijuana Apps Make Way for MaryJane
    Photo: Who You Gonna Call?

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Legalized pot in Colorado and Washington has triggered a dime bag of smart phone apps to help citizens of these progressive states enjoy reefer gladness to the fullest. Download these apps before you get stoned and make a hash of things.  SuperBud: from Cheech and Chong to Seth Rogan, the best scenes from the best stoner movies on endless repeat. Potify: Grateful Dead, Phish, Bob Marley, and other stoner favorites...

  • Sweden: Birthplace of the Blues
    Photo: 'The Wall'; Swedish Blues Version

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Many years ago, I spent a few cold January days in Stockholm, Sweden. Gray, eerie and beautiful, the city appeared to be skating on an endless sheet of Baltic ice. Around 2:00 PM the leaden sky dissolved into purple haze; within an hour the night was painted so black that not even a bad moon would dare to rise. One night, I suggested to my friends that we check out a little blues bar I had noticed at the edge of town. I figured...

  • Worst Shows of the New TV Season
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Another TV season is upon us and programmers have dug deep to recycle, reuse, and reduce our entertainment options to a brain-numbing minimum. Here are the Top 10 best new viewing opportunities for self-hating viewers with absolutely nothing better to do: Downton Sherlock: The BBC hires an edgy detective to find evidence of plot and compelling characters in a house full of aristocratic morons and their scheming servants. Crack is...

  • On the Twelfth Night of Christmas I Got Camel Poop
    Photo: Neon Wise Guys Rock The Planetarium

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - The Christmas holiday in Spain lasts for two long, work-free weeks culminating in “Reyes” which celebrates the beginning of the discount season. “Reyes” or “Kings Day,” the proverbial “twelfth night” of Christmas, commemorates the visitation of the humble Magi —Gaspar, Balthazar, Ottokar and Minibar—who bring good tidings and cheap products from their low-wage kingdoms....

  • Save the Children
    Photo: Noon in Oslo

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Winter is here and once again people of goodwill are called upon to help the underprivileged, the downtrodden and unfortunate sun-starved children of Norway. As the winter solstice passes and darkness envelopes the northern hemisphere, we Samaritans of the lower latitudes must help the pigment challenged Norselings, the ghostly little angels whose blue veins glow like Christmas tree tinsel through their pale skin. If we...

  • Culture Wars: Saturnalia
    Photo: Those Saturnalians Sure Knew How to Party!

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - December is here and once again Romans are wearing red pointy hats, exchanging gifts, eating too much and looking forward to celebrating the Birth of The Lord on December 25th. That’s right! The festival of Saturnalia starts on December 17th and culminates with the birthday of the glorious Sol Invictus on the 25th.  It’s the most beautiful time of the year when we light candles to counter winter’s...

  • Xmas Newsletter 2013: We Put the Fun in Dysfunctional
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    Greetings friends! This is the time of year when we Americans count blessings on one hand and credit cards with the other. 'Tis the season to eat, spend and send out holiday updates that make us look better than we actually are. First off, the family is fine. Mostly. I’m sure you parents will agree that our children take us into new places--like juvenile court. That said, Junior is doing better in kindergarten his...

  • Prediction; 2014 Will Be the Dumbest Year Ever
    This, Despite Strong Competition From 2013

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - 2014 is shaping up to be a forgettable year. The following predictions explain why we should just get it over with and jump to 2015. The NSA will be caught eavesdropping on Obama’s daughters. Republicans will trademark “Obamacare” so the president can’t profit from it once he leaves office. Stress induced by healthcare forms will kill most uninsured Americans. Teenage heartthrobs “One Direction”...

  • Giant Sea Turtle on Collision Course with Hawaii
    PHOTO: A Face Only An Environmentalist Could Love

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - The USA’s National Ocean  and Lake Administration (NOLA) is tracking the progress of a giant sea turtle on a collision course with Honolulu. Official concerns are running high as the normally sedate island chain braces for terrapin landfall. Big surf and soft shell shock could be triggered if the leviathan hits the shore. Migrating sea turtles are normally a source of delight for residents and tourists, but the...

  • U.S. Black Friday Riots Now Legal
    Photo: Angry Black Friday Mobs Now Action Figures

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) The US Government has announced that no laws will be enforced from sundown on Thanksgiving to sunrise on Black Friday. “We considered  suspending the constitution,” said a spokesman, “but our citizens love full-contact shopping and martial law is bad for business.” In the past, Black Friday was the day retailers profited more from insurance settlements than sales of goods and services.  It was...

  • Thanksgiving Reminds Americans How Much they Hate Turkey
    Photo: Wanted Dead or Alive; Preferably Plucked and Evicerated

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Every year, on the third Thursday of November, Americans celebrate the feast of Thanksgiving by cramming a giant turkey into their stoves and getting reacquainted with irritating relatives. Most Americans hate turkey which is why they slaughter so many of them at this time of year. After the annual massacre, Americans consume the birds in a secretive feast that pays tribute to pioneer spirit and over-indulgence. Forgetting how...

  • Entire World Will be Dead by Christmas
    Sorry. Happy Holidays, Though!

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Noting that cases of fatal influenza have doubled weekly since mid-October, officials at the US Department of Health and Human Services have calculated that everyone on the planet will soon be dead. “Doubling rates are curious things,” said the spokesman. “For example, if you receive one penny today, two pennies tomorrow, and continue doubling the sum daily, within one month you’ll be richer than Bill...

  • UK Abolishes English Language to save Jobs
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Concerned over increasing job losses from English language call-centers in India and other low-wage countries, the Labour Party will soon introduce legislation to change the official language of Great Britain. “We are a fiercely independent island. If speaking English is costing us jobs, we'll take our licks and learn another tongue,” said one MP who promised a lively debate, but not in English.  “We learned...

  • Miss Piggy - Bitter and Alone
    Photo: Icon Feels Discarded Like An Old Rag Doll

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Miss Piggy, the former Sesame Street diva and celebrated film star, no longer lives high on the hog. The porcine actress once known for her feather boas and risqué calendars, is now bitter and alone. “I was scratching out a living on the county fair circuit, barely squeaking by when some illiterate meat-eater blamed my species for a flu epidemic," she snorted. "In 2009, Swine flu killed my career. As if...

  • Mathematician Discovers World's Longest Integer
    Exclusive Interview With Figure Head

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    RSG: I’m interviewing Professor Karlheinz von Phulstrup of Harvard University’s Department Of Abstract Mathematics. Doctor von Phulstrup has dedicated his life to the study of integers and recently announced a large breakthrough. Doctor, can you quickly remind our readers what an ”integer” is? KvP: I’d rather not.  RSG: OK....

  • Berlusconi Sues Italy for Harassment
    Photo: Berlusconi With Bunga-Bunga Burnout

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Silvio Berlusconi, the four-time Prime Minister of Italy, is suing his nation for harassment. “I try to be nice to the young ladies. I invite them to my bunga-bunga parties. Corrupt magistrates try to make a federal case of my generosity,” he said after being found guilty of having sex with a minor. “After all I’ve done for Italy, this is how they repay me?” Calling himself “Italy’s...

  • Chicago Changes Name to Boston
    Photo: Introducing the Boston White Sox

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - After careful consideration and millions of dollars in taxpayer funded studies, the city of Chicago will change its name to Boston. Numerous reasons were cited in a recent press release: The city formerly known as Chicago never liked being associated with the Midwest. We are more sophisticated than Minneapolis and couldn’t care less about Wisconsin. We always imagined ourselves as part of the East Coast. So suck it, Ohio. We...

  • Ringo Marries Yoko
    Admits He Broke Up The Beatles

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - All you need is love, even if it takes 40 years.  Yoko Ono, the avant-garde artist who once performed in a giant bag has tied the knot with Ringo Starr, the amiable train conductor who replaced George Carlin on “Shining Time Station.” Before his children’s television breakthrough, Ringo played drums in “The Beatles,” a psychedelic combo that enjoyed considerable success around the UK in the...

  • Cirque du Soleil Denounces Abstract Performances
    Story Lines Too Twisted to Be Understood

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - At a press conference in Montreal, a spokesman dressed as a clown announced a major change of direction for the world’s most incomprehensible circus: After 30 years in the entertainment business, our average Yelp score is still just one star.  With the exception of the six intellectuals who attend every New York City performance, normal audiences continue to express frustration with our confusing productions,...

  • Disney Buys the Holy Land
    Will Move In On First of the Month

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Promising to bring peace, harmony, and full employment to one of the world’s most troubled regions, the Disney Company  announced their intention to turn Jerusalem into a giant theme park. Disney’s new “Holy Land” theme park will transform the embattled city into the happiest place on earth. “Everyone will benefit when we level the town’s ancient hills and make those narrow...

  • Kick your Assets
    When it comes to finance, numbers count.

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - In a previous article we downsized your offspring to right-size your household. Today we’ll examine your hidden assets from the inside out. Assets are things. Things are nouns. Getting overly attached to nouns can have an adverb effect on your finances. In economics, the wisdom of crowds isn’t. The problem is that everybody generalizes and you can count good rules of thumb on one hand. Since less is more, abundance is...

  • Downsize Your Children
    Money Tips From a Pro

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Lessons from the private sector can help you live your private life in a more business-like manner. Business is deliberate. Deliberate is effective. Therefore: Deliberate + Effective = Defective. The first step toward greater personal deficiency is to look in the mirror and wipe it clean. Understand that razor-like precision can result in a close shave. Be proactive: It’s better to take a bath before the economy gives...

  • U.S. Immigration Refuses Entry to Migrating Geese
    Photo: Goose Takes Gander at Golfer

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - The US Immigration and Naturalization Service, the INS, announced that migrating Canadian geese are being told to keep flying. The many species of birds generally referred to as “honkers” have been declared “undesirable flying aliens” and will be denied landing permits. “They swarm. They shit. They squawk, said an INS official during a private phone call monitored and made public by the Canadian government....

  • Buggy Obamacare Website Cost More than Iraq War
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) -  US stock markets slumped on news that the bug-ridden Obamacare website, “,” has already cost more than the Iraq War. Estimates released from Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann’s office put the cost of the roll-out at well over a trillion dollars. Optimistic Obama Administration officials were quick to cite that of the estimated 300,000 people attempting to sign up for insurance accounts, almost...

  • New App Translates Keith Richards into English
    Bob Dylan Translate App Development Abandoned as Unworkable

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Rolling Stones fans are still celebrating the recent announcement of “Keith Speak,” a new app that translates Keith Richards’ speaking patterns into intelligible English. Known for his shrill harmonies, two-fingered guitar style and liberal drug polices, the founding member of the group has been largely incomprehensible since 1969.  Fans and critics agree that “I just snorted me daddy’s ashes”...

  • Ultimate Proud Mary Triumph!
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Saskatoon’s recently remodeled Bowling Pin House was rocked Friday night by the world premiere of a local band’s one and only song. After 10 years of turmoil, personnel changes, and occasional practice (detailed in this recent SNN article), The SaskaToonSmiths, debuted their long awaited version of “Proud Mary.” Mystery surrounded which version of Proud Mary the Toons would play swirled until well after the...

  • Expert Says Future is Late
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Yogi Berra once said “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future” and no one agrees more than Professor Hans Strum, noted futurist at the University of Saskatchewan, Saskatoon. The tenured professor claims the future is more than flying cars, cures for wheat germ, and colonizing distant galaxies. “These are not hard problems to solve, though I wouldn’t want to be a pedestrian in...

  • Miraculous Downtown Detroit Crash Landing
    Black Box Quotes Go Viral; Seat Sales Plummet

    By R.S. Gompertz
    (The Sage News Network has obtained a transcript of crew banter and cockpit announcements from Skeddo Flight 666 that crash landed safely in downtown Detroit.) (SNN) - The following is the transcript: (.)- denotes intercom traffic from the Captian Captain Icarus and the cabin staff are delighted and baffled you chose to fly with Skeddo Airlines today. We congratulate all passengers who made it through the security gates with...

  • Airbus Changes Name to Airplane
    Changed Decsribed as 'Gutsy' By Market Analysts

    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Airbus, the world’s second leading aircraft manufacturer has announced a bold and surprising name change in the following press release: “The company formerly known as Airbus will now and heretofore be called Airplane." After an extensive Twitter survey, we believe that this new name is more consistent with the company’s core mission: stuffing people like sardines into metal containers. True, the customer experience...

  • Local Garage Band Perfects "Proud Mary"
    Iconic Ditty the Holy Grail for Wannabe Rockers

    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - It has taken 10 years of blood, sweat, tears and personnel changes, but a battle hardened local garage band is finally ready to share the cover song they have crafted over the last decade. In what may be the cultural event of the year, Saskatoon’s very own ToonSmiths will perform Proud Mary in public.   The road has not been easy. Drugs, alcohol, and fist fights over artistic differences have all taken their toll....

  • Chrysler Introduces Self-Texting Car
    Futuristic Design With Push Button Transmission

    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Fiat high tech augments American automotive brawn as Chrysler introduces “CarNet,” the next step in web integration for drivers. “Sure, texting while you drive is stupid,” said Fiat spokesman Mario Bricolini, “but good luck fighting stupidity." We would rather give people what they want in a mostly safe package.” If what people want is full social media integration while driving, then CarNet...

  • Michele Bachmann: "Doctor Who is Real."
    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Doctor Who is real. The beloved, regenerating sci-fi hero of over 150 BBC episodes has apparently revealed himself to Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. “I have traveled to the far reaches of space and time,” Bachmann announced, clarifying that she does not use public funds to do so. “I’ve been inside the Tardis. I have met Doctor Who.” Aides close to the congresswoman acknowledge that she had...

  • TED Talks Cancelled for Lack of New Ideas
    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Since the first TED Talk in 1984 entitled "How to Program Your VCR," the conferences have become a worldwide phenomenon. TED has become the place for the intellectual elite to rub shoulders and celebrate advances in flying robots and flash mob democracy. In the past, these rarified gatherings have hosted such luminaries as Al Gore, Stephen Hawking, and Honey Boo Boo. But all is not well with Ted, the founder...

  • France Refuses to Honor Warrantee on Louisiana Purchase
    USA still has a bone to pick with Bonaparte

    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Citing a little known “satisfaction or your money back” clause in the Louisiana Purchase, Rebublicans in the US Congress have demanded a full refund on underperforming territories in the real estate portfolio acquired by Thomas Jefferson in 1803. “We want to return Arkansas and Louisiana,” said Representative Michele Bachmann. “One is a drain on our resources and the other keeps...

  • Higgs Wins Nobel Prize for Finding Particle He Lost
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Protest erupted in Sweden after Dr. Peter Higgs was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for finding the boson that bears his name. Mrs. Edna Frood of Stockholm  was one of many demonstrators demanding justice. “Why is there a prize for finding something you lost?” she asked. “Next they’ll give a prize to Little Bo Peep for finding her sheep.” Dr. Higgs is famous for predicting the existence...

  • Twitter Success in 10 Easy Tweets
    140 Characters and None On Display

    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Top Ten Rules for the Twitterpated First rule of Twitter: don’t tweet about Twitter. Twitter, schmitter! My German grandfather barely spoke 140 characters in his entire life. Twitter tip: If you run out of stuff to tweet,  the works of Shakespeare are public domain. Vwls r mstly unncssry whn twtg stpd insgnfcnt sht tht rlly dsn’t mttr Twitter tip: shorten all urls so nobody has a freaking clue...

  • My Facebook Divorce
    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - She stole my heart and then she stole my identity.  I woke up at noon, changed out of my Star Wars pajamas and stumbled out of my bed room. I snuck down to the kitchen for a bowl of Cornflakes and found a note from my girlfriend Blinka saying she’d left me. My supposed soul-mate didn’t have the decency to empty the garbage on the way out. She took everything except the Cornflakes. Luckily, I sleep with...

  • Top 10 Reasons to Avoid Top 10 Lists
    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Read This List But Avoid All Others: 10) So-called, self-proclaimed experts rarely have more than three good ideas. 9) People who bury simple truths in peppy buzzwords probably don’t have an original thought in their head. 8) At the end of the day when the rubber hits the road in the blogosphere, the convergence of results oriented best practices will put enough wood behind the arrow to double-click the tribal tattoo....

  • Top 10 Benefits of the US Government Shutdown
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    10) Post Office unaffected. Junk mail deliveries will continue. 9) NSA will not be listening to our phone calls. 8) Fewer TSA workers will clog airports with pesky security procedures 7) Wall Street job creators are now free from excessive regulation. 6) Since nobody listens anyway, National Public Radio can play “Science Friday” reruns 24/7.   5) Federal workers can watch porn from home instead of the office.  4) To...

  • Republicans Were Right: Obamacare Unleashes Armageddon
    By: R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - The American economy imploded as Obamacare insurance exchanges released a torrent of viruses that destroyed the internet. The unheeded warnings of Republican lawmakers were vindicated, just before the constitution was suspended and the government was dissolved by left wing extremists. Independent reports of jailed Tea Party lawmakers being forced to watch Teletubbies reruns could not be confirmed. Martial law was declared as...

  • US Senators Remove Toilet Paper from House of Representatives
    By R.S. Gompertz
    (SNN) - Fed up with Republican Party attempts to shut down the US Government to prevent Obamacare, a group of US Senators removed all toilet paper from the House of Representatives.    Calling themselves the Left Hand Caucus, the group of democrats rejected accusations that their actions were a mean-spirited schoolboy prank. In an official statement, the group said, “Elections matter and in 2012 the American People voted...

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